The Signs o' Japan 8

This is a designated groping area. Please enjoy.

The Signs o' Japan 7

Warning! Floating disembodied deer heads are usually possessed by either Gargamel or Bill O'Reilly.

The Signs o' Japan 6

Hide! Ninja shuriken attack currently underway.

The Signs o' Japan 5

Sorry! Please type with something other than your hands.

The Signs o' Japan 4

If you are lucky enough to sit behind a desk, you can get away with being nude from the waste down at work.

The Signs o' Japan 3

Please watch Hentai porn (while sitting on a pile of TNT) at home as it only mystifies and delights the Zombie-eyed passangers around you.

The Signs o' Japan 2

Please rehearse your questions (or use an auto cue) if you are to interview a midget or a baby.

The Signs o' Japan

Wheelchair access for those suffering from fisting related accidents. (In Japan they think of eventuality.)

In the future - 3D porn

Google's android phone wasn't the only thing giving techies boners at the recent Consumer Electronics Expo in Las Vegas (in fact what doesn't engage nerds' floppy drives?). The porn industry who were pioneers of VHS, DVD, internet and squirter technologies is now picking up where James Cameron left off and pushing for 3D movies in you home.

It is both interesting and slightly amusing how people's (well largely teenage boys') need to watch singles, couples, groups and whole netball teams partake in various strenuous forms of adult cuddles is basically responsible for a lot of technology we all take for granted today (like lovebeads for instance).

Speaking of The King of The World, well universe now I guess, and his promise that a more detailed cut of the Avatar sex scene will be on the BluRay release I can see a Navi porno coming on.

Either way I'm not sure I really want to see anyone's money-shot in 3D.

The most amazing website on the internet

There are times in your life that you come across things, and think why didn't I think of that first? Whitening toothpaste, long division, frozen-deep-fried Mars Bars (actually I think I just invented that), Ellen and Google all spring to mind.

And the most amazing website on the internet is one of those moments where you think, man I fucked up, why wasn't I talented enough to know that Tom Cruise isn't a wizard, but thinks he is.

This is truly the best thing I have seen in my years of spending time on the world wide intergalactic interweb, which believe me as a teenage boy, was a lot of time. You know researching essays.

Make sure you scroll all the way through the future of the internet:

http://www.themostamazingwebsiteontheinternet.com/

YouTube what did I do without you?

No matter where you go in the world (yes even Pepsi HQ in Purchase NY) people love coke. It is like Jesus Juice for people of all ages. Which is why the latest campaign out of the US makes so much sense. Because we all know Coke spreads the love. And obesity. But mainly love.

All this vending machine action also has my hyped from my return to Japan today. Look forward to a new series 'Things found in vending machines' in the near future...

In the meantime, enjoy the love while I make a few calls to find out where i can get a sandwich that big.




Thanks Esta

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Diet Ayds

In America no one likes to be fat, rather they like to be obese. But this wasn't always the case. During a brief period in the 1980's the fine people of - the continental US, The Obama Islands (come on Hawaii you know you want to) and that bit they bought off the Russians so that FOX News could one day find Sarah Palin - wanted to be thin. Or at least not as fat as they looked in photos.

And luckily a revolutionary new product came to their rescue: Ayds (pronounced AIDS). The beauty of this product is that it doesn't make you nervous, and when taken correctly they allow you to satisfy your desire to taste, chew, swallow and enjoy!

So why don't you get Ayds, you know you will feel better for it.

You fat ranga



A lady and her broad box



Everyone has Ayds!



Ayds won't make you nervous

Avatar IMAX 3D

It is well known in film circles that James Cameron has been seeking a trilogy of his own (you can't let Intergalactic Obesity Spokesperson George Lucas have all the fun). This is a quest he started back in the '90's with Titanic. But sadly it all became too hard for Cameron when he realised that the subsequent two films would have to either star rusting metal or an old woman with a habit of throwing valuable gems into the ocean.

With FOX not being keen on either of these due to Rupert Murdoch's well founded fear of corroded metal (a problem he has to cope with when it comes to his burgundy hair exoskeleton), these plans were shelved (put away and not up someone's arse Stevie Nick's gacking style).

That is until through the wonders of technology, $310 million dollars, and Zoe Saldana, Cameron was finally able create a world (or moon in this case) that would allow him to merchandise with the best of them.

The result is - when experienced in IMAX 3-D - pure, euphoric sexy-times for your eye-holes. There are no two ways about it, watch the making-of below to see how they have fucked technology in every possible opening to capture the actor's performances and create a film (that while occasionally hackneyed in dialogue) will stay with you for days.

Cameron, luckily, kept Celine Dion well away from the soundtrack. Although having said that I'm not sure Leona Lewis is a better choice. The man does have a thing for wailing divas.

I'd give it 4 stars purely for the hours of debate that follow about Na'vi reproduction. Is it with those nifty ponytail conduits? And if so does that mean they also have sexy-times with their beasts and the trees? And if they do it with the plats then why do they wear loin cloths? What's under there? Do they have blue-bits? Or is it a dual-action above and below type procedure? Hawt. (Unless of course you are a human of 6ft compared to their 10ft)

But at least I have finally, after 26 years of searching, found my goal in life. I am going to be an Avatar.

This film is a documentary right?

Things with speech bubbles - Tiger Woods

Things left on the sharing table - but I'm dirty!

Why someone would leave a clapped-out old frying pan and 1/8 a bottle of Homebrand dish washing liquid on the sharing table baffled me.

That is until I realised that if you watch any infomercial in this day and age (almost the year TewntyTen) you will discover that no longer is it good enough for a product to do one thing before it is thrown into the ever-growing rubbish island in the central Pacific Ocean, but it should also have a cluster of secondary and tertiary functions it can carry out.

Things have to slice, dice, splice, give birth to field mice, chip, slip, create Christian-friendly dip, lubricate, oscillate, masticate, titillate, receive Al Jazeera, send shortwave radio signals, cut through shoe-leather and simultaneously trim, pluck, shape and bejewel your bikini-line.

What dual action this frying pan and bonus washing liquid are able to perform (warm soapy casseroles to wash your sprog's mouths out?) I am not certain. But I admire their pioneering spirit and gormless optimism that anyone would want their wares.

Blobbies

Things with speech bubbles - Hon. Julie Gillard MP & Hon. Peny Wong MP

Things left on the sharing table - a christmas present for a lady

I haven't even thought about Christmas shopping yet this year, but this morning I noticed something on the share table that could become the perfect gift for my favourite mother, sister, lady-friend, lady-wife, work-mate or the tranny islander hooker at the end of my street.

What grand lady about town wouldn't want a vibrating lady-brush that not only stimulates your skull's androgynous-erogenous zones but also comes with a FREE Bonus! [sic] VHS that demonstrates how to make you look like someone who has survived a shipwreck only to start using jizz as a hair product? (See bottom left of picture.)