The land of the free and the money back guarantee: ET phone sexline

No one likes to be fiddled with after they've been knocked out telepathically. Especially by alien creatures from Uranus. So inventor and alien war expert Michael Menkin has developed a helmet that will protect you from aliens. And you can make it all by yourself. Doesn't Michael know I'm lazy, and would much rather order one over the internet?

His Velostat (a conductive packing material owned by the 3M post-it people) lined hats block all forms of alien telepathy so they aliens can't knock you out.

But does this stop them from abducting you? Don't they use teleportation - I've seen V and Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Which I guess means you get to remain completely lucid (thanks to the powers of Velostat) through the entire process of anal probing for their scientific research (I wonder if the Japanese whaling fleet have ever considered this in their research efforts?).

Some of the fun facts about aliens and their war on human-people like you and me - you guys aren't aliens right? - are so interesting. Like the excerpt below about alien-hybrid babies (Haven't aliens heard that the Toyota Prius has been recalled?):

"Vitamin C to kill implanted alien-hybrid embryos

One woman who now wears a thought screen helmet along with her husband reports that she killed four alien-hybrid fetuses in a row by taking a gram of vitamin C every hour for weeks. She used her alarm clock at night to awaken her. She reported that she could no longer feel the fetuses moving and the aliens were very angry at the deaths of the alien-hybrids they implanted in her. The aliens did remove a dead alien-hybrid fetus before implanting a live one at another time. This was before she started wearing a thought screen helmet.

These events confirm the findings of Professor David Jacobs who says in his book, The Threat, that the main purpose of alien abductions is to create a new race of alien-human hybrids who are now starting to inhabit the earth. Unfortunately these adult alien-human hybrids come in pairs and forcedly remove helmets from abductees. However, the thought screen helmet still works for people who are only abducted by the creators of these alien-human hybrids."

Wow oh wow. Check it all here stopabductions.com

Thanks Taimi

Be 108% more successful in conference calls - rad combinations

Conference calls are almost more evil than the long fabeled devil spawn of Rush Limbaugh and Jennifer Lopez (it will eat your soul - much like Nick Cave - but also raid your medicine cabinent for prescription medication. All while it shakes its ample booty). But until R-Lo ends all our lives as we know it, conference calls have to be endured and survived.

The best way? Give yourself over to an A2 layout pad and see what happens. The theme here - rad combinations.