This woman is bat-shizzle-crazy

Not only is this woman (Dr. Orly Downstairs Mouth) crazy enough to lather herself in Lindsay Lohan's tan-in-a-can (here I believe she models the ever popular Tuna-Canoe flavour) but she's also insane enough to spend her time campaigning with ''millions'' of other American's to have Barack Obama's "secrets" exposed.

She is a 'birther' and believes that President ''did we mention his middle name is Hussein'' Obama wasn't actually born in Hawaii, but rather forged his own birth certificate, and birth announcements (possibly while still in uterine: what else is a productive brother supposed to do with nine spare months?) in the hope that he would, 48 years later, be president.

Problem is that Dr. Orly Salmon Catamaran is way off with Barack's secrets. Dude is the rightful President of the United States - but he has hidden much from us all. Let me reveal what to you before the brown-pants media shut me down:

1. He is Spiderman
2. He uses an electric toothbrush
3. He invented River Dance
4. Every time he sneezes a butterfly has an orgasm
5. He once explored the realm of the flesh tagine

Watch this if you dare. And then hope that no one is actually stupid enough to believe anything that Dr. Orly Clam Surprise says.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - shake and what?

American's love an instant fix. Want to eat the national savoury wrap of Mexico for breakfast? No worries all you need is a microwave.

Want to have the tan of a Miami call girl? Easy just spray yourself with some of Lindsay Lohan's snatch juice in a can.

And luckily now ladies you can have the arms of First Lady Michelle Obama without the work. It's easy just buy the Shake Weight. It's the only machine that readies your arms for providing gentlemen callers with light hand relief.

And all for the cost affordable price of $19.95. Is it wrong that I'm now craving Shake n' Bake?