I too am from Queensland and I speak Kevin.

It must be tough being Kevin Michael Rudd MP. Every time that our glorious former Prime Minister opens his fair-shake-of-the-tomato-sauce-hole to simply share his musings people accuse him of broadcasting all kinds of subversive anti-Prime Minister Gillard messages. But he’s not the problem. It’s you. You’re just not hearing him right.

Being a native born Queenslander myself, I speak more than a little Kevin, so I’d like to help bridge the language barrier to allow you understand some of the finer points in the Member for Griffiths’ 730 interview.

LEIGH SALES: Mr Rudd, what a lot of Australians want to know about China is whether its economy is fizzling or not…?

KEVIN RUDD, LABOR MP: The virtue of being here at the World Economic Forum is being able to talk to not just Chinese officials and Chinese ministers about this subject, but also those who study professionally the Chinese economy. 

TRANSLATION: Guess who knows Mandarin you rat-f*ckers? I do! Some Prime Ministers, don’t even have a handle on English.

LEIGH SALES: Well we have had some debate here in Australia within the Government about whether the mining boom is over or not…

KEVIN RUDD: …Any student of the history of commodity prices know that it's much more complex than that...Prices have come off… prices are now at their lowest that they've been since 2009 - 30 per cent off in the last short few months - but medium term, long term, frankly, there is robust demand here still. 

TRANSLATION: I know history, in fact most modern history has been written in my honour. For example commodity prices were good in 2009. And in 2009 one K-Rudd was the big cheese in town. Ergo, give me my job back and we’ll all be rolling in bags of money, expensive chiffon muumuus and our own filth much like Gina Rinehart.

LEIGH SALES: …this week the first lot of asylum seekers will arrive in Nauru under Labor's new offshore processing policy… Are you comfortable with this policy?

KEVIN RUDD: As I've said before, Leigh, I respect very much the judgment of the minister, Chris Bowen. He's a good man, he applies a good conscience and good mind to what is a difficult issue... 

TRANSLATION: Join me members of the federal Labor caucus and you too will be made treasure of Australia and receive 40 virgins upon reaching the promised land, just like my good friend the very talented and very good looking Chris Bowen.

LEIGH SALES: Mr Rudd, this is your first interview since the leadership challenge in February. Why are you raising your profile now?

KEVIN RUDD: Well, actually, Leigh, that's quite wrong. Last week or so I've had three general interviews with the media and … I've been out and about doing other things. 

TRANSLATION: How dare you. I am Kevin Rudd of Queensland, Prime Minister and UN General Secretary in waiting. There is no one with a higher profile than me.

LEIGH SALES: It's a bit different to sitting down for sustained, scrutinised questioning along one line though.

KEVIN RUDD: Well, you can frame it as you so chose. The bottom line is if I look at the fact that we face the prospect of Mr Abbott as the alternative prime minister of Australia, it's important I lend my shoulder to the wheel as well when it comes to making it clear to the Australian public what they'd be buying on trust with Mr Abbott. 

TRANSLATION: I used to be afraid of Mr Abbott, but I’m not anymore as this time I’m going to build a giant catapult that can only be operated by me applying my shoulder an entirely un-metaphorical wheel. You hear that Bill Shorten? Only my shoulder can operate the wheel.

LEIGH SALES: …you recently said in a speech that the next election was winnable for Labor, but afterwards you ducked a question on whether Labor could win with Julia Gillard as the leader. Will you answer that now?

KEVIN RUDD: Of course the Government can prevail against Mr Abbott at the next election. And that's why I'm supporting the Government... 

TRANSLATION: Leigh, you’ll have to start paying attention, of course we can win, didn’t you just hear me explain the giant catapult?

LEIGH SALES: With Julia Gillard as the leader?

KEVIN RUDD: ... under the Prime Minister's leadership to do so. 

TRANSLATION: No silly, with me, the people’s Prime Minister.

LEIGH SALES: Under Prime Minister Julia Gillard?

KEVIN RUDD: I just said that. Under Prime Minister Gillard's leadership. 

TRANSLATION: Could I be any clearer? With me, THE Prime Minister. Don’t you know how our system works? Like Highlander there can be only one.

KEVIN RUDD: And let me tell you, my voice won't be silenced in the public debate... 

TRANSLATION: Just like Nelson Mandela faced all those years ago, I too am the victim of child-hating, drink-spiking, militant forces trying to oppress and censor me, the glorious light-emitting big head on the hill, Kevin Rudd.

I hope that’s cleared everything up, I know Kevin would hate you to miss his ever overstated point. I just wish I could help you understand what exactly Clive Palmer was on about on Lateline last night. But sadly that’s a dialect of Queenslander (kind of like Klingon) that not even I understand.

- The full, un-translated version of the transcript is now available on the 730 website.

Things with speech bubbles - Winner takes all

Things with speech bubbles - not so secret love affair

You know they want to.

What a cunt: Steve Fielding

Current member of the Australian Senate Family First's Steve Fielding is not a cunt because of the fact that last year he spent tax payers money on a 'study tour' of the US for facts on climate change which consisted of meeting with creationists and fossil fuel funded interest groups, he is not a cunt because he babbles incoherently in senate debate after debate, or is he a cunt because he tries to force his far right Christian beliefs on a free nation, he's not even a cunt because in desperation at the most recent election he turned his back on everything he supposedly believes in and tried to cut a laughable preferance deal with The Sex Party to hold on to his senate seat, the reason he is a cunt is because devoid of media attention and relevance he has come out today and threatened to vote down every bill and block supply of the budget if the independents - who'll decide this mess of an election - decide to side with caretaker PM Julia Gillard instead of opposition leader Tony Abbott.

What a total Tuesday. There I said it.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - let's try viral

Now I'm no expect, but I think both Tony Abbott and PM Julia Gillard were doing it wrong at the Rooty Hill RSL last night. In my experience if you are going to knock-the-back-out-of-someone it is always a good idea to be on stage at the same time. No wonder the crowd was riled up, they'd come to see Gillard and Abbott finally give in to the sexual desires that lurk deep within their special places, but instead what we ended up with was two hours of self-love in front of a fairly partisan (if it wasn't partisan, then our dear lady PM is in trouble) audience.

To lighten the whole thing up both parties are now both getting viral. You Tube is littered with various videos, but two of the best are the Liberal's 'Whack Labor' game here and the ALP's create your own Tony Abbott billboard site at tonyabbottisright.com

Above are some of my efforts.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Advertising for good

Cracking, powerful ad from Republic of Everyone on last night's Gruen Nation. While not quite the spine-tingling power of the topless Gillard dancing with indigenous elders on The Chaser's Yes We Canberra, it is proof that advertising doesn't always have to sell toilet cleaner to people with four toilets in their McMansions.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Lolatham

Mark Latham brought his very own maniacal brand of thuggery to the election campaign and the Ekka over the weekend. Feeling right at home amongst the carnival clowns, former Labor leader Latham stood-over the lady PM as she was stranded within the media pack. While ridiculous as a whole, this election has been taken to even worse places by the media and what they're interested in.

However there was a voice of reason, with Nine News political editor (and Amanda Vanstone's twin brother - think He-Man and She-Ra only shapely) Laurie Oakes speaking out against his network for hiring the 'bile-filled' Latham to jizz some hate all over 60 Minutes.

I apologise to Oakes, as here I was thinking that he and his ranga hating ways had put Latham up to it so he could sneak off and join the cheese-on-a-stick and dagwood dog queue.

I do however love how Oakes always shows just a slight touch of ankle cleavage when he's sitting.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Moving Forward Together

I had forgotten that the internationally recognised sign of 'all is forgiven and we are now moving forward - together' is the awkward and haphazard co-fingering of the map of the great state of Queensland.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Yes We Canberra!

Only two more weeks until we get to take our hard-earned experience of filling out KENO forms and use it to vote for the next parliament of Australia. This musical tribute to the sexiest female PM in the land (see what I did there?) is a reminder of how much the Chaser boys have been missed from TV. After negotiate (knee-go-sea-ate), I think they have to help the PM with devotee (or dee-vhoh-ooo-teeea).

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Moving Forward

Things with speech bubbles - Hon. Julie Gillard MP & Hon. Peny Wong MP