The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Best. Stump Speech. Ever.

President Obama had better watch out. When he's not dealing with mustached Koran burners, he needs to worry about running against this guy at the next election. I'm going to try his angry pacing, emotional shouting and desperate assertion of future electoral success in my next presentation. I think clients will eat that shit up.

Thanks Woogsie

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - the Cami Secret

All of this election nervousness has made me retreat into reassuring pass times like watching infomercials and looking at tittays. But unfortunately there is an infomercial that enables the average Sue, Susie or Susan (You can guess which one is the slutty one, but my money would be on Susie) to keep their modesty intact. Whether set at 'high' 'medium' or 'slut' the innovative Cami Secret allows woman to close the fabric deficit in their tops and stop the nip-slips.

I think I may buy one for my art director to cover his arse crack when it hangs out of his jeans.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: ET phone sexline

No one likes to be fiddled with after they've been knocked out telepathically. Especially by alien creatures from Uranus. So inventor and alien war expert Michael Menkin has developed a helmet that will protect you from aliens. And you can make it all by yourself. Doesn't Michael know I'm lazy, and would much rather order one over the internet?

His Velostat (a conductive packing material owned by the 3M post-it people) lined hats block all forms of alien telepathy so they aliens can't knock you out.

But does this stop them from abducting you? Don't they use teleportation - I've seen V and Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Which I guess means you get to remain completely lucid (thanks to the powers of Velostat) through the entire process of anal probing for their scientific research (I wonder if the Japanese whaling fleet have ever considered this in their research efforts?).

Some of the fun facts about aliens and their war on human-people like you and me - you guys aren't aliens right? - are so interesting. Like the excerpt below about alien-hybrid babies (Haven't aliens heard that the Toyota Prius has been recalled?):

"Vitamin C to kill implanted alien-hybrid embryos

One woman who now wears a thought screen helmet along with her husband reports that she killed four alien-hybrid fetuses in a row by taking a gram of vitamin C every hour for weeks. She used her alarm clock at night to awaken her. She reported that she could no longer feel the fetuses moving and the aliens were very angry at the deaths of the alien-hybrids they implanted in her. The aliens did remove a dead alien-hybrid fetus before implanting a live one at another time. This was before she started wearing a thought screen helmet.

These events confirm the findings of Professor David Jacobs who says in his book, The Threat, that the main purpose of alien abductions is to create a new race of alien-human hybrids who are now starting to inhabit the earth. Unfortunately these adult alien-human hybrids come in pairs and forcedly remove helmets from abductees. However, the thought screen helmet still works for people who are only abducted by the creators of these alien-human hybrids."

Wow oh wow. Check it all here stopabductions.com

Thanks Taimi

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Diet Ayds

In America no one likes to be fat, rather they like to be obese. But this wasn't always the case. During a brief period in the 1980's the fine people of - the continental US, The Obama Islands (come on Hawaii you know you want to) and that bit they bought off the Russians so that FOX News could one day find Sarah Palin - wanted to be thin. Or at least not as fat as they looked in photos.

And luckily a revolutionary new product came to their rescue: Ayds (pronounced AIDS). The beauty of this product is that it doesn't make you nervous, and when taken correctly they allow you to satisfy your desire to taste, chew, swallow and enjoy!

So why don't you get Ayds, you know you will feel better for it.

You fat ranga



A lady and her broad box



Everyone has Ayds!



Ayds won't make you nervous

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Sesame Street 1 Fox News 0

Not only has Sesame Street spent 40 years tirelessly (and thanklessly) crusading for the rights of yellow birds with giantism, but it continues to do two very crucial, world-changing things:

1. Teach kids how to mispronounce the letter Z (It's Zed, not Zee)

2. Offer fair and balanced news coverage to those with the mental age of a 4 year old (just like Fox News)

But controversy struck recently when The Grouch News Network hit out at its rival 'Pox' News. So to make good Pox News host Slip O'Rielly agreed to appear with Fox News host Bill O'Rielly. And the results are outstanding.

As a side nite - I think you'll notice in this clip that Slip O'Rielly isn't the only one at the desk with a strange man's hand up his arse...

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - worst Halloween costume ever

America is a wild and wonderful place where shampoo comes by the gallon, guns are legal (and often offered up to house guests as a courtesy - true story). And yet strangely carrying your mobile phone anywhere but firmly clipped to the belt of your pants is a federal offence. One that carries the heavy penalty - a week in the audience of The View. Cripes.

Which is most likely the fate that these failed robbers will have to look forward to. The po-po pulled them over only to discover that these criminal masterminds had coloured Alicia Silverstone's Batgirl mask on their faces with permanent marker.

I mean come on. If you are going to colour your face for a disguise at least show some intellect. Buy a few extra colours and try your hand at a Spiderman, Wolverine, or a Hannah Montana mask. I know which one would be scarier for your victims.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: 15 minutes of shame

HOLY SHIT!

This is why you should never buy your boozed mother a webcam. Check out Tengobaila, a YouTube channel that shows off this woman’s ‘dancing’ skills. She is insane. Her face sometimes dances separately to her body. And her body always dances separately to the music. In her profile she declares she has ‘no race or age’ and ‘no allegiance to imaginary borders or countries.’ I guess the question is what good-medicine is she on, and how can I get some?

Her tributes to MJ are of the highest order (you may also notice that she likes to start each of her videos with a money shot):

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: 1784 billion, trillion dollars

Some mofo (called Dalton?!) in the US is suing the Bank of America for 1784 billion, trillion human dollars. That’s more coin than the whole world has. 1784 billion, trillion dollars? Why with that kind of money Tori Spelling could almost afford to get her pole-boobs fixed.

He is so going to win. Why didn’t I think of this first? Probably because I just went to use an orange instead of my mouse.

Yeah that probably explains a lot. Read about Denny Crane's next case here. Although with a name like Dalton he should be suing his parents for a sextillion dollars.

If I won this case I would want to be paid in Cook Island dollars as they feature a nude woman riding a shark. Sick.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - shake and what?

American's love an instant fix. Want to eat the national savoury wrap of Mexico for breakfast? No worries all you need is a microwave.

Want to have the tan of a Miami call girl? Easy just spray yourself with some of Lindsay Lohan's snatch juice in a can.

And luckily now ladies you can have the arms of First Lady Michelle Obama without the work. It's easy just buy the Shake Weight. It's the only machine that readies your arms for providing gentlemen callers with light hand relief.

And all for the cost affordable price of $19.95. Is it wrong that I'm now craving Shake n' Bake?

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Live from Mars it's Saturday night!

I didn't know that ruling the Earth from Mars made your eye so wonky. But I guess it would be hard to find a good plastic surgeon up there. Just don't look into the eye, look around the eye, or you may end up a smiling follower in your very own 'it's a small world after all' national costume. Although not since the snuggie infomercial have I seen such happy people. Maybe her High Holy Queen of the rings of Uranus is on to something.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: food exfoliation

Just when I thought that apex of American achievement had been reached with Dreamworks' Hotel for Dogs, along comes the Handy Peel. Never has the process that gives you the holiest of foods - mashed potatoes - been so disturbing. Although it is no where near as off-putting as the carrot sequence. Clasp that carrot. And now scrub rythymically.

The Handy Peel does however leave vegetables looking fresh, ten years younger and virtually pore-free. Yes that I will give them.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: the quantum sleeper

You know a feeling I just never seem to get enough of? That - hey honey I’m trapped in a coffin and I’m not dead or a zombie - feeling. That feeling when there’s just a little too much air to breath? Not to mention (well I guess I’m about to) the seemingly endless nights I lay awake waiting for the coming of the reckoning or EoD (End of Days) as I like to call it. You know, when the baby Jesus returns from fighting Tom Cruise to reap showers of love in the form of total annihilation upon us all. Good times.

Well I needn’t worry any longer as here is a product that combines all of this with my love for naming products with two completely unrelated words. Introducing the Quantum Sleeper. It will save you from the pretty much everyone and everything but yourself. From floods to terrorists it has you covered, and all within the comforting glow of a TV and a microwave. Who wants breakfast burritos?

Forget about your sub-prime house that the bank has sold from under you for five dollars and the Sean William Scott DVD collection. Just invest in one of these beautifully apocalypse-proof bed bunkers. If it’s good enough for Newt Brown-pants Jnr and Mary-Beth Sweater-set then you can bet it’s good enough for me.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: clean is happy

American's love Hulk Hogan. But there is one thing they love more and that's happiness. And over there happiness comes in many forms. Religious. Super-sized meal deals. Personalised gun racks. And, well, toilets. Meet the washlet. It has laser guided oscillating spot cleansing powers. It is the future of toilets. In fact it could even be from the future, so watch out John Connor.

If you want to know how it works, or be entertained by how many ways six out of work actors can talk about going to the toilet without actually ever talking about it, then this is a site for you. Just ask Beth W (the long suffering wife of Joe the Plumber) she loves it.

And remember clean is happy. And only Lucifer himself uses toilet paper.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: the executive muumuu

Straight from the land of the 99c taco and the 400lb eleven year old I bring you the Satiny Caftan Lounger (A muumuu is a muumuu by any name), “for around the clock comfort”. I'm not sure what's funnier: listing that it’s made of "100% lush pure polyester”, which is apparently “as soft as silk, and as smooth as satin" as a benefit, or that they recommend that you ware these “elegant garments while entertaining or even for that candlelight dinner for two."

You'd want to hope it was a candlelight meal, so that your significant other couldn't see the migraine inducing prints on offer, like "Seashore," "Daydream Pink" and my personal favourite for it’s sexy-time inducing name, "Wonderland." I'd also recommend that you don’t get too close to those candles as that lush 100% polyester would ignite in a flash. But what's the risk of having polyester burnt into your torso, when you can look as good and feel as comfortable as the spokes-models? Which is both creepy and a boon, that they managed to find triplet mid-western mums to showcase the range.

So if you’re stuck for the perfect Christmas gift for anyone of any age from sizes 8 – 24 (really big fatties need not apply) male, female or other wise, then go with the product that is so simple you can just “slip one over your head.” They’re also perfect for the heat of summer and the beach, as such “high quality imported” polyester neither breathes, or wicks sweat away from your chaffed thighs. They would hide your cankles and gunt however.

And all for the bargain basement price of just $39.95 + postage and handling. But wait, as always, there is more, oh yes, if you buy three or more you can get them at the shocking price of $29.95. Yes! Shocking! So shocking I nearly vom-vomed up everything I had emotionally eaten this morning. I just have so many feelings.

May Xenu bless America.