The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Diet Ayds

In America no one likes to be fat, rather they like to be obese. But this wasn't always the case. During a brief period in the 1980's the fine people of - the continental US, The Obama Islands (come on Hawaii you know you want to) and that bit they bought off the Russians so that FOX News could one day find Sarah Palin - wanted to be thin. Or at least not as fat as they looked in photos.

And luckily a revolutionary new product came to their rescue: Ayds (pronounced AIDS). The beauty of this product is that it doesn't make you nervous, and when taken correctly they allow you to satisfy your desire to taste, chew, swallow and enjoy!

So why don't you get Ayds, you know you will feel better for it.

You fat ranga



A lady and her broad box



Everyone has Ayds!



Ayds won't make you nervous

Avatar IMAX 3D

It is well known in film circles that James Cameron has been seeking a trilogy of his own (you can't let Intergalactic Obesity Spokesperson George Lucas have all the fun). This is a quest he started back in the '90's with Titanic. But sadly it all became too hard for Cameron when he realised that the subsequent two films would have to either star rusting metal or an old woman with a habit of throwing valuable gems into the ocean.

With FOX not being keen on either of these due to Rupert Murdoch's well founded fear of corroded metal (a problem he has to cope with when it comes to his burgundy hair exoskeleton), these plans were shelved (put away and not up someone's arse Stevie Nick's gacking style).

That is until through the wonders of technology, $310 million dollars, and Zoe Saldana, Cameron was finally able create a world (or moon in this case) that would allow him to merchandise with the best of them.

The result is - when experienced in IMAX 3-D - pure, euphoric sexy-times for your eye-holes. There are no two ways about it, watch the making-of below to see how they have fucked technology in every possible opening to capture the actor's performances and create a film (that while occasionally hackneyed in dialogue) will stay with you for days.

Cameron, luckily, kept Celine Dion well away from the soundtrack. Although having said that I'm not sure Leona Lewis is a better choice. The man does have a thing for wailing divas.

I'd give it 4 stars purely for the hours of debate that follow about Na'vi reproduction. Is it with those nifty ponytail conduits? And if so does that mean they also have sexy-times with their beasts and the trees? And if they do it with the plats then why do they wear loin cloths? What's under there? Do they have blue-bits? Or is it a dual-action above and below type procedure? Hawt. (Unless of course you are a human of 6ft compared to their 10ft)

But at least I have finally, after 26 years of searching, found my goal in life. I am going to be an Avatar.

This film is a documentary right?

YouTube what did I do without you - Gary Sizzle

Tony Martin's brilliance is at its stumbling best in this segment from Melbourne community radio station 3RRR. As radio advisor Gary Sizzle his comedic timing is almost beyond Swiss transport system good (which is funny as the Swiss outlawed jokes after a landslide referendum in 1975).

Having spent part of my uni life around commercial radio in Brisbane, I can tell you he's speaking directly from the bible according to whatever flange-faced-moron hired (and continues to pay) Kyle Sandilands. But hey a fat goatee-encrusted ranga has to be able to afford to lease a Rolls Royce somehow.

Come to think of it I should probably send Kyle some Pink tickets.

People of Sydney: Humpy Dumpy repairman

Humpy Dumpy wears his pants high.

Anvil the Story of Anvil

Sometimes inspiration comes to you in unexpected forms; like when Michael Jackson's image appeared to an obese American family in the bark of one of their trees; or in unexpected happenings; like the fact that America managed to elect President Obama (despite that fact that some confusingly accuse him of being a fascist, a communist, a socialist - and some how all three very differing ideologies all at the same time - and oh the fact he is, well, erm, you know, how do I say this without offending anyone? From Hawaii).

But Anvil the Story of Anvil is also one of those occasions. See it. You will laugh at the real Spinal Tapness of it all. You will cry at the strong man-love bond between Lips and Robb. And you will be inspired to hang on to your dream and make that shiznit happen (even if it takes you 30 years to get there).

Exercise is for dickheads

I finally understand obesity. Not only do you enclose your body in a safety cage of your emotionally caused blubber, you also don't injure yourself by exercising. And you also get to eat everything deep-fried and covered in chocolate.

Sunday arvo I decided to go for a run.

All was going according to plan, one foot after the other (repeat). Ran down through Woolloomooloo then up around Mrs. Macquarie’s chair. I was feeling good, and running for Australia. Minus the lycra. And the fast running.

Little did I know that shit was about to go down. Clover Moore had cursed me with her bottomless collection of executive neck chokers and a complete lack of street lights.

Placed right in the middle of the footpath for your falling pleasure was the above decorative concrete hurdle.

So there goes me flying through the air heading for a pash with the bitumen. Luckily I employed all of my ninja know-how and managed to land on my left arm and then right shoulder and roll (almost down the stairs). I jumped up dusted off my grazed bits and ran the 15 minutes home.

It wasn’t until later the pain set in. So here I am now typing this with one hand, old school style. Meanwhile my left arm has seized up into a perfect right angle. Like some Josh action figure cheaply made in China and painted with almost skin-toned led paint.

You don’t realise how much you use both hands/arms until you can’t. Who would’ve thought that running is a contact sport. Maybe there's a new reality show in that. It will be massive in Japan. Well as long as the contestants had to cook with their genitals at the same time. Japan - it's all about the nuance.

EDIT - I have a fractured radius (one of the bones in your forearm). Awesomeness.