A Post Obama Survival Guide

There’s no point denying it. I love US President Barack Obama. In fact I often peer devotedly into his eyes via the embroidered Obama cushion that adorns my couch. So in the history of bromances it’s arguable that my love for him even exceeds Karl Stefanovic’s ardour for Alan Jones, John Howard’s beautiful and tender devotion for former US President George W Bush, and even Paul Henry’s besottedness for himself.

And it appears that when it comes to fellow countrymen, I’m not alone. An online poll of 1,000 Australians by UMR Research revealed that a landslide 72% of us would vote for President Obama. While a Lowy Institute poll put that figure even higher at 80%. (A level of popularity statisticians mathematically define as the ‘One Direction + Gangnam Style to the power of fluffy kitten memes’ principle.)

With numbers like that, Obama could probably go all Chavez, change the constitution and become the grand high ruler of time and space. But that’s if Australians could vote in the US election. With only a few short weeks left until the election, the President has to face a much more evenly split audience – the American people.

At this point it looks touch and go, although his spirited performance in the second debate should 

help wrest some of the momentum back. There will also be a lot hanging on the coming onslaught of swing state advertising (both official and ‘Super PAC’ unofficial).

But in case of emergency, I’ve prepared a step-by-step guide of how to cope if Mitt Romney does become the President-elect of the country that provides the remnants of Channel 9 with the bulk of its ratings.

Step 1 – Accept the loss

Acceptance is hard, but essential. We can see the effects that denial had on many Republicans who joined the ‘Birther Movement’ after the last election. I don’t want to see any of us starting the ‘Martian Movement’, no matter how much evidence there is to prove that Mitt Romney’s hair is a glorious gift from Uranus.

Step 2 – Open up about your feelings

Don’t hold your pain inside like our always-demure Kevin Rudd. Instead, let it out like an irrepressible, cross-dimensional meandering worthy of Clive Palmer. This way you’ll be able to share your grief, loudly and often with friends, family, coworkers, fellow commuters and trusted talkback radio hosts or mummy bloggers. And don’t be afraid to cry. If Obama actually does lose, I’ll be ready to show even North Koreans what unedifying public grief for a fallen leader really looks like.

Step 3 – Ignore the trolls and the doubters

As always there will be those around you and on the global interwebs who’ll take great joy in rubbing hand-milled Murray River pink salt into your wounds. These bandwagon jumper-on-er-ers will be hard to ignore but it’s best that you do, as feeding them is like giving iron ore licenses to chiffon-muumuu-clad mining magnates. Trust me, you’ll never hear the end of it. It’ll be, “Let them earn enough to eat from the $2 McValue Menu” from now until The Rapture.

Step 5 – Remember the good times

If there are dark days post-November 6, then take heart in the words of Alfred Lord Tennyson - ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ Remember the feeling that electrified the world when a very green senator from Illinois became the first African American to win the White House. Also recall what he achieved for his country: passing health care, stimulus and Wall St reforms; bailing out automakers; ending the war in Iraq; improving support for returning veterans; repelling ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’; killing Osama Bin Laden; reforming student loans; etc, etc.

Step 6 – Give yourself time to recover

Finally, allow yourself time to heal. As revered thinker and great philosopher Rachel Hunter once mused, ‘It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.’ And inoculate yourself by knowing that if President Obama does lose on November 6, that while the world could be worse off, at least we won’t have to wait another four years for his next book.

For my sake (and for my so far very tolerant girlfriend’s) I hope I never have to use these tips, and that President Obama manages to hang on to his swing state firewall. This may very well see him scrape home with the 270 electoral college votes required to stay the man of my (and many Australians’) dreams for yet another four years.

And most importantly, it’ll give my beloved Obama cushion continued permission to brighten up my lounge room – and my life – for many years to come.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Diet Ayds

In America no one likes to be fat, rather they like to be obese. But this wasn't always the case. During a brief period in the 1980's the fine people of - the continental US, The Obama Islands (come on Hawaii you know you want to) and that bit they bought off the Russians so that FOX News could one day find Sarah Palin - wanted to be thin. Or at least not as fat as they looked in photos.

And luckily a revolutionary new product came to their rescue: Ayds (pronounced AIDS). The beauty of this product is that it doesn't make you nervous, and when taken correctly they allow you to satisfy your desire to taste, chew, swallow and enjoy!

So why don't you get Ayds, you know you will feel better for it.

You fat ranga



A lady and her broad box



Everyone has Ayds!



Ayds won't make you nervous

Anvil the Story of Anvil

Sometimes inspiration comes to you in unexpected forms; like when Michael Jackson's image appeared to an obese American family in the bark of one of their trees; or in unexpected happenings; like the fact that America managed to elect President Obama (despite that fact that some confusingly accuse him of being a fascist, a communist, a socialist - and some how all three very differing ideologies all at the same time - and oh the fact he is, well, erm, you know, how do I say this without offending anyone? From Hawaii).

But Anvil the Story of Anvil is also one of those occasions. See it. You will laugh at the real Spinal Tapness of it all. You will cry at the strong man-love bond between Lips and Robb. And you will be inspired to hang on to your dream and make that shiznit happen (even if it takes you 30 years to get there).

Happy Birthday President Obama

I hope Michelle makes him an ice cream cake. Although being President he can order off the menu. I'd order the following:

Spaghetti and meatballs
6 shredded beef tacos
Spaghetti bolognase
A platter of assorted burritos, quesadillas, enchiladas and taquitos
Chilli crab spaghetti
Assorted salmon, tuna and sword fish sashimi
Spaghetti amatriciana
Roast beef, vegetables, Yorkshire puddings and gravy
A roast chicken
Thai red duck curry

Actually, stuff it I'd just suggest we have yum cha (dim sum).

This woman is bat-shizzle-crazy

Not only is this woman (Dr. Orly Downstairs Mouth) crazy enough to lather herself in Lindsay Lohan's tan-in-a-can (here I believe she models the ever popular Tuna-Canoe flavour) but she's also insane enough to spend her time campaigning with ''millions'' of other American's to have Barack Obama's "secrets" exposed.

She is a 'birther' and believes that President ''did we mention his middle name is Hussein'' Obama wasn't actually born in Hawaii, but rather forged his own birth certificate, and birth announcements (possibly while still in uterine: what else is a productive brother supposed to do with nine spare months?) in the hope that he would, 48 years later, be president.

Problem is that Dr. Orly Salmon Catamaran is way off with Barack's secrets. Dude is the rightful President of the United States - but he has hidden much from us all. Let me reveal what to you before the brown-pants media shut me down:

1. He is Spiderman
2. He uses an electric toothbrush
3. He invented River Dance
4. Every time he sneezes a butterfly has an orgasm
5. He once explored the realm of the flesh tagine

Watch this if you dare. And then hope that no one is actually stupid enough to believe anything that Dr. Orly Clam Surprise says.

Seussology

Other than worshiping Mexican cuisine and Barack Obama a man should really try and find something to believe in. Scientology want too much money, and the probing is unwarranted, Richard Gere ruined Buddhism (and gerbils), the Secret is shitret, Jedi cloaks don't suit summer in Australia and while Big Love makes Mormonism appealing, who'd want to live in Utah?

That is until of course I discovered Seussology. Rhyme with the great doctor and you too can have all of your dreams come true. His words are wise, and the green eggs and ham are always fresh. Here are some of his more famous quotes, I mean commandments.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”


“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”


“Romance is thinking about your significant other, when you are supposed to be thinking about something else.”


“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”


“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”


“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”


“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

- Dr. Seuss

Yes he did!

For over a week now President Obama has been ruling us with his magical cyborg controlling voice. One of these now obedient cyborgs spent six hours of his/her/it's (I'm never sure if we're giving them genders these days which makes for awkward cyborg speed-dating sessions) life combining hundreds of photos to create a zoomable look at that moment in history. A moment I hope the cyborg's don't erase when they eventually rebel and go in search of gender re-alignment. Zoom to your hearts content here.