The Signs o' Japan 2

Please rehearse your questions (or use an auto cue) if you are to interview a midget or a baby.

The Signs o' Japan

Wheelchair access for those suffering from fisting related accidents. (In Japan they think of eventuality.)

In the future - 3D porn

Google's android phone wasn't the only thing giving techies boners at the recent Consumer Electronics Expo in Las Vegas (in fact what doesn't engage nerds' floppy drives?). The porn industry who were pioneers of VHS, DVD, internet and squirter technologies is now picking up where James Cameron left off and pushing for 3D movies in you home.

It is both interesting and slightly amusing how people's (well largely teenage boys') need to watch singles, couples, groups and whole netball teams partake in various strenuous forms of adult cuddles is basically responsible for a lot of technology we all take for granted today (like lovebeads for instance).

Speaking of The King of The World, well universe now I guess, and his promise that a more detailed cut of the Avatar sex scene will be on the BluRay release I can see a Navi porno coming on.

Either way I'm not sure I really want to see anyone's money-shot in 3D.

The most amazing website on the internet

There are times in your life that you come across things, and think why didn't I think of that first? Whitening toothpaste, long division, frozen-deep-fried Mars Bars (actually I think I just invented that), Ellen and Google all spring to mind.

And the most amazing website on the internet is one of those moments where you think, man I fucked up, why wasn't I talented enough to know that Tom Cruise isn't a wizard, but thinks he is.

This is truly the best thing I have seen in my years of spending time on the world wide intergalactic interweb, which believe me as a teenage boy, was a lot of time. You know researching essays.

Make sure you scroll all the way through the future of the internet:

http://www.themostamazingwebsiteontheinternet.com/

YouTube what did I do without you?

No matter where you go in the world (yes even Pepsi HQ in Purchase NY) people love coke. It is like Jesus Juice for people of all ages. Which is why the latest campaign out of the US makes so much sense. Because we all know Coke spreads the love. And obesity. But mainly love.

All this vending machine action also has my hyped from my return to Japan today. Look forward to a new series 'Things found in vending machines' in the near future...

In the meantime, enjoy the love while I make a few calls to find out where i can get a sandwich that big.




Thanks Esta

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Diet Ayds

In America no one likes to be fat, rather they like to be obese. But this wasn't always the case. During a brief period in the 1980's the fine people of - the continental US, The Obama Islands (come on Hawaii you know you want to) and that bit they bought off the Russians so that FOX News could one day find Sarah Palin - wanted to be thin. Or at least not as fat as they looked in photos.

And luckily a revolutionary new product came to their rescue: Ayds (pronounced AIDS). The beauty of this product is that it doesn't make you nervous, and when taken correctly they allow you to satisfy your desire to taste, chew, swallow and enjoy!

So why don't you get Ayds, you know you will feel better for it.

You fat ranga



A lady and her broad box



Everyone has Ayds!



Ayds won't make you nervous

Avatar IMAX 3D

It is well known in film circles that James Cameron has been seeking a trilogy of his own (you can't let Intergalactic Obesity Spokesperson George Lucas have all the fun). This is a quest he started back in the '90's with Titanic. But sadly it all became too hard for Cameron when he realised that the subsequent two films would have to either star rusting metal or an old woman with a habit of throwing valuable gems into the ocean.

With FOX not being keen on either of these due to Rupert Murdoch's well founded fear of corroded metal (a problem he has to cope with when it comes to his burgundy hair exoskeleton), these plans were shelved (put away and not up someone's arse Stevie Nick's gacking style).

That is until through the wonders of technology, $310 million dollars, and Zoe Saldana, Cameron was finally able create a world (or moon in this case) that would allow him to merchandise with the best of them.

The result is - when experienced in IMAX 3-D - pure, euphoric sexy-times for your eye-holes. There are no two ways about it, watch the making-of below to see how they have fucked technology in every possible opening to capture the actor's performances and create a film (that while occasionally hackneyed in dialogue) will stay with you for days.

Cameron, luckily, kept Celine Dion well away from the soundtrack. Although having said that I'm not sure Leona Lewis is a better choice. The man does have a thing for wailing divas.

I'd give it 4 stars purely for the hours of debate that follow about Na'vi reproduction. Is it with those nifty ponytail conduits? And if so does that mean they also have sexy-times with their beasts and the trees? And if they do it with the plats then why do they wear loin cloths? What's under there? Do they have blue-bits? Or is it a dual-action above and below type procedure? Hawt. (Unless of course you are a human of 6ft compared to their 10ft)

But at least I have finally, after 26 years of searching, found my goal in life. I am going to be an Avatar.

This film is a documentary right?

Things with speech bubbles - Tiger Woods

Things left on the sharing table - but I'm dirty!

Why someone would leave a clapped-out old frying pan and 1/8 a bottle of Homebrand dish washing liquid on the sharing table baffled me.

That is until I realised that if you watch any infomercial in this day and age (almost the year TewntyTen) you will discover that no longer is it good enough for a product to do one thing before it is thrown into the ever-growing rubbish island in the central Pacific Ocean, but it should also have a cluster of secondary and tertiary functions it can carry out.

Things have to slice, dice, splice, give birth to field mice, chip, slip, create Christian-friendly dip, lubricate, oscillate, masticate, titillate, receive Al Jazeera, send shortwave radio signals, cut through shoe-leather and simultaneously trim, pluck, shape and bejewel your bikini-line.

What dual action this frying pan and bonus washing liquid are able to perform (warm soapy casseroles to wash your sprog's mouths out?) I am not certain. But I admire their pioneering spirit and gormless optimism that anyone would want their wares.

Blobbies

Things with speech bubbles - Hon. Julie Gillard MP & Hon. Peny Wong MP

Things left on the sharing table - a christmas present for a lady

I haven't even thought about Christmas shopping yet this year, but this morning I noticed something on the share table that could become the perfect gift for my favourite mother, sister, lady-friend, lady-wife, work-mate or the tranny islander hooker at the end of my street.

What grand lady about town wouldn't want a vibrating lady-brush that not only stimulates your skull's androgynous-erogenous zones but also comes with a FREE Bonus! [sic] VHS that demonstrates how to make you look like someone who has survived a shipwreck only to start using jizz as a hair product? (See bottom left of picture.)

Things with speech bubbles - The Queen

Things left on the sharing table - ladies things (things of a lady)

Sharing tables are a strange communist hang over of apartment buildings, "I'm moving out anyone want my brown sugar?" or, "Hey look it is an out-dated yellow pages" are normally the sum total of Chairman Mao's side table. But in my building it seems a place to share all kinds of feminine hygiene products (and the by-products).

YouTube what did I do without you?

This guys obviously needs a girlfriend. And the easiest way to earn yourself some lady-loving? Become an instant welebrity. What's the best way of doing that? Make a clip about two girls and a poo filled cup? No, done. Film yourself having awkward sex with a night vision camera? Done, and see above problem. Become a fat, middle-aged, ugly Scottish lady with a dry sense of humour, the voice of an angel and a last name that describes a foreign growth on the human body? Done, done and done.

With all the obvious options already done, he decided to record himself 64 separate times in order to recreate Michael Jackson's Thriller from scratch. It is an achievement for floating white faces everywhere. All though I believe it is his version of Vincent Price's soliloquy that will earn him the he-she of his dreams.

Thanks Jed.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Sesame Street 1 Fox News 0

Not only has Sesame Street spent 40 years tirelessly (and thanklessly) crusading for the rights of yellow birds with giantism, but it continues to do two very crucial, world-changing things:

1. Teach kids how to mispronounce the letter Z (It's Zed, not Zee)

2. Offer fair and balanced news coverage to those with the mental age of a 4 year old (just like Fox News)

But controversy struck recently when The Grouch News Network hit out at its rival 'Pox' News. So to make good Pox News host Slip O'Rielly agreed to appear with Fox News host Bill O'Rielly. And the results are outstanding.

As a side nite - I think you'll notice in this clip that Slip O'Rielly isn't the only one at the desk with a strange man's hand up his arse...

Astronomical Box Office - Twilight author now rich enough to buy the actual Moon.

It is official Stephenie Meyer probably now has more money than both JK Rowling and Dan Brown can fit in their collective bumgina's (or bumgeen to the more rarefied). You would have to be living in a cave in the tribal regions of Pakistan to not know that Twlight: New Moon can now be seen at your local cineplex. (In fact this is probably our best chance of nabbing Bin Laden as I hear he is a mad-keen fan of Robert Pattinson's ruffled head-merkin).

New Moon has raked in over a quarter-of-a-billion dollars worldwide in one weekend. It has now become the third highest grossing opening weekend of all time in the US with a Oprahnomical US$140.7 million. And I am not at all surprised that it has raped former Australian opening weekend records (taking AU$16million) as when I was in Melbourne last week I discovered that there are 200 registered vampires that roam the streets of Melbourne at night.

Who knew Vampires were unionised? I bet Rush Limbaugh would be outraged if he knew so many young American's were going to see a film about hundred-year-old socialists with messy hair. Actually he probably wouldn't care as they are very pale.

But I guess what surprises me is that a film based around the short-lived stage of the moon - where it is roughly in the same direction as the Sun, and therefore appears to be whole - is playing so well with the youth.

Who knew moon-science could be sexy and profitable? Not Galilei Galileo that's for sure.

YouTube what did I do without you - Gary Sizzle

Tony Martin's brilliance is at its stumbling best in this segment from Melbourne community radio station 3RRR. As radio advisor Gary Sizzle his comedic timing is almost beyond Swiss transport system good (which is funny as the Swiss outlawed jokes after a landslide referendum in 1975).

Having spent part of my uni life around commercial radio in Brisbane, I can tell you he's speaking directly from the bible according to whatever flange-faced-moron hired (and continues to pay) Kyle Sandilands. But hey a fat goatee-encrusted ranga has to be able to afford to lease a Rolls Royce somehow.

Come to think of it I should probably send Kyle some Pink tickets.