The land of the free and the money back guarantee: the quantum sleeper

You know a feeling I just never seem to get enough of? That - hey honey I’m trapped in a coffin and I’m not dead or a zombie - feeling. That feeling when there’s just a little too much air to breath? Not to mention (well I guess I’m about to) the seemingly endless nights I lay awake waiting for the coming of the reckoning or EoD (End of Days) as I like to call it. You know, when the baby Jesus returns from fighting Tom Cruise to reap showers of love in the form of total annihilation upon us all. Good times.

Well I needn’t worry any longer as here is a product that combines all of this with my love for naming products with two completely unrelated words. Introducing the Quantum Sleeper. It will save you from the pretty much everyone and everything but yourself. From floods to terrorists it has you covered, and all within the comforting glow of a TV and a microwave. Who wants breakfast burritos?

Forget about your sub-prime house that the bank has sold from under you for five dollars and the Sean William Scott DVD collection. Just invest in one of these beautifully apocalypse-proof bed bunkers. If it’s good enough for Newt Brown-pants Jnr and Mary-Beth Sweater-set then you can bet it’s good enough for me.

Fiscal Stimulus ABC style

I will post just about anything with a Chuck Norris reference, but a Chuck Norris and exercise infomercial reference, things like that deserve their own blog. The clever people at Working Dog and the ABC have put forward their argument for more funding for the ABC.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: clean is happy

American's love Hulk Hogan. But there is one thing they love more and that's happiness. And over there happiness comes in many forms. Religious. Super-sized meal deals. Personalised gun racks. And, well, toilets. Meet the washlet. It has laser guided oscillating spot cleansing powers. It is the future of toilets. In fact it could even be from the future, so watch out John Connor.

If you want to know how it works, or be entertained by how many ways six out of work actors can talk about going to the toilet without actually ever talking about it, then this is a site for you. Just ask Beth W (the long suffering wife of Joe the Plumber) she loves it.

And remember clean is happy. And only Lucifer himself uses toilet paper.

An internship worth applying for

Dave Letterman is one of the all time greats and a hero of mine - mainly for his toupee work. But recently Letterman has been feeling the wrath and love (in equal parts) of Lyle the intern. As funny as Dave is, its his straight man act when with Lyle that cracks me up. Discover the disturbing wonders of Lyle below. And yes I finally learned how to embed a video. Next is embedding nanobots.

One question though, who is Jessica Tandy?

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: the executive muumuu

Straight from the land of the 99c taco and the 400lb eleven year old I bring you the Satiny Caftan Lounger (A muumuu is a muumuu by any name), “for around the clock comfort”. I'm not sure what's funnier: listing that it’s made of "100% lush pure polyester”, which is apparently “as soft as silk, and as smooth as satin" as a benefit, or that they recommend that you ware these “elegant garments while entertaining or even for that candlelight dinner for two."

You'd want to hope it was a candlelight meal, so that your significant other couldn't see the migraine inducing prints on offer, like "Seashore," "Daydream Pink" and my personal favourite for it’s sexy-time inducing name, "Wonderland." I'd also recommend that you don’t get too close to those candles as that lush 100% polyester would ignite in a flash. But what's the risk of having polyester burnt into your torso, when you can look as good and feel as comfortable as the spokes-models? Which is both creepy and a boon, that they managed to find triplet mid-western mums to showcase the range.

So if you’re stuck for the perfect Christmas gift for anyone of any age from sizes 8 – 24 (really big fatties need not apply) male, female or other wise, then go with the product that is so simple you can just “slip one over your head.” They’re also perfect for the heat of summer and the beach, as such “high quality imported” polyester neither breathes, or wicks sweat away from your chaffed thighs. They would hide your cankles and gunt however.

And all for the bargain basement price of just $39.95 + postage and handling. But wait, as always, there is more, oh yes, if you buy three or more you can get them at the shocking price of $29.95. Yes! Shocking! So shocking I nearly vom-vomed up everything I had emotionally eaten this morning. I just have so many feelings.

May Xenu bless America.

The Reader

Tales of first love have always been fodder for movies, from 21 Candles, to The Little Mermaid and Milo & Otis (a film I vomited in when I saw it as a child), to The Notebook. But Stephen Daldry's The Reader is a film about first love that throws a few new elements into the mix, namely Nazis and pedophilia (with not a goblet of Jesus juice or a ranch with a theme park in site). David Cross nearly steals the show, with a stern and button-downed Winslet very deserving of the Oscar. Who ever did her old lady make-up (read as grey face-paint applied by a vengeful monkey) should be made to watch the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

But The Reader does however prove two things, one: both Milo & Otis and The Notebook would've been far more interesting if they had featured stern Nazi ladies, and two: reading is a great aphrodisiac.

Be 200% more successful at working for the man

Fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day that Fabien Shantaram (name concealed for national security reasons) held aloft his magic biro and said, "Did I tell you I have an MBA?!" So like the Castle Greyskull, The Sorceress and BattleCat I am now sharing with you his secrets to successfully work your way up into the higher echelons of any evil multinational corporation that you choose, or at least until they shift you from office to office and finally realise that you are a useless good-for-nothing waste of valuable office space (surely we could fit another photocopier or massive roll of bubble wrap in place of your cubicle) and that all you do is carry around blanks pages of paper.

Click above to see them large. I need to get IT to stop downloading from "best daily fisting flics" and teach me how to make it so it is not text for ants, but rather for human eyes under my picutres.

Acting with James Franco

It's almost Oscars time, and seeing as we're all going to be out of jobs soon anyway, why not learn a trade that is the natural partner of unemployment - acting. How do you become an actor? Do you have to go to RADA? Have pushy obese stage parents? Be an Arguette, Baldwin or Daddo? Expose yourself on reality TV? Marry a studio exec? Probably all of the above. But you also have to get some lessons and choose a method or technique to bore people about at parties.

Luckily for those of us just trying to take an inquisitory sip from the thespian cup, the google machine provides important lessons in the most noble craft that rhymes with lesbianism. Join actor James W D Franco below as he instructs a midget in the three main cornerstones of thespianism:

1. Sense memory

Acting With James Franco Episode 1: "Sense Memory" from James Franco

2. Green screen

Acting with James Franco Episode 2: "Green Screen" from James Franco

3. Scene work

Acting with James Franco Episode 3: Scene Work from James Franco

I feel a two episode arc on Judge Judy coming my way after watching these.

Great online idea in need of human investors

Post Google, Yahoo!, e-bay, YouTube, MySpace, Facebook and Twitter everyone is looking for the next big online idea (or how to rip off an existing one, hence my plans to start MyFace) to bring in some easy coin. And I think I just may have cracked the thing that is going to take the interweb by storm.

Something new, something that has as far as I know never been done before.

I can't give too much away or someone else may beat me to it. And that would just be sad, sad like when the Little Mermaid realises she is a ginger-ninja sad. But if you like the idea and have some capital in these tough times then this could be your next online investment. We'll do things the online way, plough money into it, never make a profit or figure out how to make a profit, but still manage to offload it to Rupert Murdoch or those evil Walt Disney people and let them figure out if it was $4 billion dollars well spent.

Okay so what you do is get a video camera (maybe a few if you want to be all fancy), and then film people having sex and partaking in other sex-related activities, like Monkey Face for instance. Then you post it up and let people watch it via the world wide web. I think you'd call it pron, or porn, or punn, or video-touchey-touch or something like that.

Seriously this shit could be big. It could revolutionise the net which I know is something Al Gore has wanted ever since he invented it back in 1945. It could even be inspiration for The Net 2, a project I know Sandra Bullock wishes she could get off the ground. Problem is, after Speed 2 and Miss Congeniality 2 (and the direct to VHS in Malaysia - While You Were Sleeping Again) no one trusts her with sequels. Not even McG.

I wanted to post a link, but how do I link to the whole internet? Maybe that's our next business venture?

Men's Group

When I first heard of this film, I was a little worried about how much the promotion hinged on the fact that the film was largely unscripted, and that while all the actors knew their own character's back stories, they didn't know that of the other characters, or where the plot was heading. This however is no gimmick. The result is a raw, confronting, unpredictable and moving piece of film that will plague you for days to follow. What an achievement for a first feature. And so well edited and acted. Learn more about it here. This and The Black Balloon were the standout Australian films of last year.

It is heavy going (although not a home abortion in sight) so I would prescribe that you follow it up with either Step Brothers or Pineapple Express, or both. Sometimes one bromance comedy is not enough.

What a total Tuesday

If there's one thing that irks me more than a lack of Tina Fey in my daily life, it's motivational speakers and self-help seminars.

I really hope the good people at Merrill Lynch get this guy in to motivate them through the hassle times of losing everyone's money and causing the whole world to teeter into the economic abyss.

I'd hire him for his fine mullet work. So much silky flow and shine. He must use VO5.

All the same he is the Tuesday of the week, and should have the business at the front Maori punched all the way to the party at the back of his head. Watch it here. I should really get one of those date-rape guys from IT to teach me how to embed videos.

Businessisms - From an Overall Standpoint

From an overall standpoint is a great way to start, fill and end sentences, sometimes even the same one. Try it in the next meeting you have to attend and see how it goes. In one meeting it was said 28 times by the same person in the space of an hour.

Got Milk?

Being lactose and Sean Penn intolerant MILK is not a film I initially rushed to see. And I may not be the only one, with Focus Features retitling the film SOY in many key Asian markets. We'll wait on box office numbers to see how effective such a tactical move will be.

But the film itself is less about the pasteurisation process and more about a man who loves men and rights and a lady loves orange juice and Jesus. Although part of me thinks they should've cast Michael Jackson and re-written the later part to be a woman who loves Jesus juice. Missed opportunity really Mr Van Sant, or is it Mr Sant? But I guess that would make his first name Gus Van.

Either way, jesus juice, jesus milk or not, it is a story worth telling and therefore worth watching. See the trailer here.

You've seen it on the silver screen now enjoy it in technicolour words

Not even creationists can argue the scientific fact that Hollywood has run out of ideas. If a property hasn't already been remade at least once (see The Hulk) then it's highly likely that it's already in development. The situation is so bad that Hallmark telemovies starring Alyssa Milano and the surviving cast of Party of Five are now being adapted for the big screen. But what if the land of literature ran out of ideas, and had to start novelising movies? Well the cover art work would be freak'n awesome. See more here.

I can't believe anyone managed to make Face/Off look interesting.

Ransom Poetry

Finally poems that combine many people's great loves - movies about kidnapping starring Rene Russo and that, "I've just sniffed a texta feeling." Texan (and therefore possible love child of Laura Bush) Austin Kleon creates poems using sheets of newsprint and stolen office markers. Above is my favourite it's not a poem, more of a paperbound interpretative dance, but see many more here.

Bring back the Zombies

Someone, or something is always trying to take over the world. If it's not monkeys, apes, midgets, transformers, the Disney Corp, zombies, zombie midgets, zombie midgets riding on the back of android-ape-monkey hybrids, it's Oprah or that Billy Ray Syrus girl. But I've always wondered who or what is behind it all. I think cats that look like hitler.com holds the answer. Check out some of the evilist Kitlers here.

And beware next time the Germans go to the polls. If a Kitler ends up on the podium we're all rooted. Man, I don't even speak cat.

What not to invest your money in during the GFC

The sky is falling, economies are collapsing, bankers may go without their bonuses, Kevin Bacon has no money left - the GFC is now officially and scientifically bigger than KFC. And no one can even agree, is it the GFC, GEC or the IFC? Either way I hope you have your money invested wisely and that you didn't take financial advice from that guy you know who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows Kevin Bacon. Because if so then you are well and truly fucked. But for those who need some advice above are some things I think aren't wise investments right now. If I was you I'd be putting all of your money into Kevin Costner's Water World 2, I know that's exactly what he's doing.

The Class

What is the class? What is a film? What is what? What is what is? What? As far as French films about french school children go, this is one. It has teens, teachers, and enough long pondering empty classroom shots to fill a Yoko Ono film clip. This film deserves three stars for a total lack of home abortion sequences, and the handy inclusion of sub-titles.