Avatar IMAX 3D

It is well known in film circles that James Cameron has been seeking a trilogy of his own (you can't let Intergalactic Obesity Spokesperson George Lucas have all the fun). This is a quest he started back in the '90's with Titanic. But sadly it all became too hard for Cameron when he realised that the subsequent two films would have to either star rusting metal or an old woman with a habit of throwing valuable gems into the ocean.

With FOX not being keen on either of these due to Rupert Murdoch's well founded fear of corroded metal (a problem he has to cope with when it comes to his burgundy hair exoskeleton), these plans were shelved (put away and not up someone's arse Stevie Nick's gacking style).

That is until through the wonders of technology, $310 million dollars, and Zoe Saldana, Cameron was finally able create a world (or moon in this case) that would allow him to merchandise with the best of them.

The result is - when experienced in IMAX 3-D - pure, euphoric sexy-times for your eye-holes. There are no two ways about it, watch the making-of below to see how they have fucked technology in every possible opening to capture the actor's performances and create a film (that while occasionally hackneyed in dialogue) will stay with you for days.

Cameron, luckily, kept Celine Dion well away from the soundtrack. Although having said that I'm not sure Leona Lewis is a better choice. The man does have a thing for wailing divas.

I'd give it 4 stars purely for the hours of debate that follow about Na'vi reproduction. Is it with those nifty ponytail conduits? And if so does that mean they also have sexy-times with their beasts and the trees? And if they do it with the plats then why do they wear loin cloths? What's under there? Do they have blue-bits? Or is it a dual-action above and below type procedure? Hawt. (Unless of course you are a human of 6ft compared to their 10ft)

But at least I have finally, after 26 years of searching, found my goal in life. I am going to be an Avatar.

This film is a documentary right?

Things with speech bubbles - Tiger Woods

Things left on the sharing table - but I'm dirty!

Why someone would leave a clapped-out old frying pan and 1/8 a bottle of Homebrand dish washing liquid on the sharing table baffled me.

That is until I realised that if you watch any infomercial in this day and age (almost the year TewntyTen) you will discover that no longer is it good enough for a product to do one thing before it is thrown into the ever-growing rubbish island in the central Pacific Ocean, but it should also have a cluster of secondary and tertiary functions it can carry out.

Things have to slice, dice, splice, give birth to field mice, chip, slip, create Christian-friendly dip, lubricate, oscillate, masticate, titillate, receive Al Jazeera, send shortwave radio signals, cut through shoe-leather and simultaneously trim, pluck, shape and bejewel your bikini-line.

What dual action this frying pan and bonus washing liquid are able to perform (warm soapy casseroles to wash your sprog's mouths out?) I am not certain. But I admire their pioneering spirit and gormless optimism that anyone would want their wares.

Blobbies

Things with speech bubbles - Hon. Julie Gillard MP & Hon. Peny Wong MP

Things left on the sharing table - a christmas present for a lady

I haven't even thought about Christmas shopping yet this year, but this morning I noticed something on the share table that could become the perfect gift for my favourite mother, sister, lady-friend, lady-wife, work-mate or the tranny islander hooker at the end of my street.

What grand lady about town wouldn't want a vibrating lady-brush that not only stimulates your skull's androgynous-erogenous zones but also comes with a FREE Bonus! [sic] VHS that demonstrates how to make you look like someone who has survived a shipwreck only to start using jizz as a hair product? (See bottom left of picture.)

Things with speech bubbles - The Queen

Things left on the sharing table - ladies things (things of a lady)

Sharing tables are a strange communist hang over of apartment buildings, "I'm moving out anyone want my brown sugar?" or, "Hey look it is an out-dated yellow pages" are normally the sum total of Chairman Mao's side table. But in my building it seems a place to share all kinds of feminine hygiene products (and the by-products).

YouTube what did I do without you?

This guys obviously needs a girlfriend. And the easiest way to earn yourself some lady-loving? Become an instant welebrity. What's the best way of doing that? Make a clip about two girls and a poo filled cup? No, done. Film yourself having awkward sex with a night vision camera? Done, and see above problem. Become a fat, middle-aged, ugly Scottish lady with a dry sense of humour, the voice of an angel and a last name that describes a foreign growth on the human body? Done, done and done.

With all the obvious options already done, he decided to record himself 64 separate times in order to recreate Michael Jackson's Thriller from scratch. It is an achievement for floating white faces everywhere. All though I believe it is his version of Vincent Price's soliloquy that will earn him the he-she of his dreams.

Thanks Jed.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Sesame Street 1 Fox News 0

Not only has Sesame Street spent 40 years tirelessly (and thanklessly) crusading for the rights of yellow birds with giantism, but it continues to do two very crucial, world-changing things:

1. Teach kids how to mispronounce the letter Z (It's Zed, not Zee)

2. Offer fair and balanced news coverage to those with the mental age of a 4 year old (just like Fox News)

But controversy struck recently when The Grouch News Network hit out at its rival 'Pox' News. So to make good Pox News host Slip O'Rielly agreed to appear with Fox News host Bill O'Rielly. And the results are outstanding.

As a side nite - I think you'll notice in this clip that Slip O'Rielly isn't the only one at the desk with a strange man's hand up his arse...

Astronomical Box Office - Twilight author now rich enough to buy the actual Moon.

It is official Stephenie Meyer probably now has more money than both JK Rowling and Dan Brown can fit in their collective bumgina's (or bumgeen to the more rarefied). You would have to be living in a cave in the tribal regions of Pakistan to not know that Twlight: New Moon can now be seen at your local cineplex. (In fact this is probably our best chance of nabbing Bin Laden as I hear he is a mad-keen fan of Robert Pattinson's ruffled head-merkin).

New Moon has raked in over a quarter-of-a-billion dollars worldwide in one weekend. It has now become the third highest grossing opening weekend of all time in the US with a Oprahnomical US$140.7 million. And I am not at all surprised that it has raped former Australian opening weekend records (taking AU$16million) as when I was in Melbourne last week I discovered that there are 200 registered vampires that roam the streets of Melbourne at night.

Who knew Vampires were unionised? I bet Rush Limbaugh would be outraged if he knew so many young American's were going to see a film about hundred-year-old socialists with messy hair. Actually he probably wouldn't care as they are very pale.

But I guess what surprises me is that a film based around the short-lived stage of the moon - where it is roughly in the same direction as the Sun, and therefore appears to be whole - is playing so well with the youth.

Who knew moon-science could be sexy and profitable? Not Galilei Galileo that's for sure.

YouTube what did I do without you - Gary Sizzle

Tony Martin's brilliance is at its stumbling best in this segment from Melbourne community radio station 3RRR. As radio advisor Gary Sizzle his comedic timing is almost beyond Swiss transport system good (which is funny as the Swiss outlawed jokes after a landslide referendum in 1975).

Having spent part of my uni life around commercial radio in Brisbane, I can tell you he's speaking directly from the bible according to whatever flange-faced-moron hired (and continues to pay) Kyle Sandilands. But hey a fat goatee-encrusted ranga has to be able to afford to lease a Rolls Royce somehow.

Come to think of it I should probably send Kyle some Pink tickets.

Happy Halloween

Can't say I've ever celebrated Halloween, but the dressing up with your DT's over your pants I totally get, so I'm all for it. It is in this light that I wish you a happy Halloween the only way I know how - with the magic of Tengobalia and her leopard headdress.

I don't know why I find these videos so funny. Her face continues to be nearly as disturbing as her sweaty boobies. Watching her dance is like watching an car-crash not set in time to music. Either that or your parents having adult sexual intercourse. But hey that's what Halloween is all about scary strangers coming after you for your candy and sweaty tits.

Watching this I think I finally understand Dances with Wolves.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - worst Halloween costume ever

America is a wild and wonderful place where shampoo comes by the gallon, guns are legal (and often offered up to house guests as a courtesy - true story). And yet strangely carrying your mobile phone anywhere but firmly clipped to the belt of your pants is a federal offence. One that carries the heavy penalty - a week in the audience of The View. Cripes.

Which is most likely the fate that these failed robbers will have to look forward to. The po-po pulled them over only to discover that these criminal masterminds had coloured Alicia Silverstone's Batgirl mask on their faces with permanent marker.

I mean come on. If you are going to colour your face for a disguise at least show some intellect. Buy a few extra colours and try your hand at a Spiderman, Wolverine, or a Hannah Montana mask. I know which one would be scarier for your victims.

People of Sydney: Humpy Dumpy repairman

Humpy Dumpy wears his pants high.

Whatever Works

Woody Allen is well noted for his flaws and self-indulgences, like playing himself in every film, or more recently in casting Hugh Jackman and Javier Bardem to play him. I mean Jackman isn't even married to his own daughter. In fact I think Debra Lee Furness is actually his mother.

But in a welcome return to form (and more realistic self-casting in the ever acerbic Larry David) Whatever Works, well, works. That is of course unless you were the aged-pensioners sitting behind me in the Monday matinee showing. They were none to pleased with Allen's fourth-wall-breaking-direction.

Daughter marrying and reproducing or not, at least he doesn't looks as scary as Mia Farrow.

A Pirate's Bounty

I can't tell you exactly where I got this rare and valuable pirate treasure from (think mermaids, ninjas and a cantelope) but it is a gem of the deep. A piece from a Pirate's booty. A treasure long lost to mankind (alien's would've found it as they love to probe).

I'm thinking about putting this lost piece of currency on ebay. But if you want to make an offer, I'd be willing to take $8 billion or a bowl of North Bondi Italian's crab spaghetti and a wristy. You know which ever is easier for you. Let me know.

YouTube what did I do without you?

You promise, really promise to watch this?

The Swiss-Grand my arse!

To quote my good friend Ginger Steve, "Tell me what is Swiss or Grand about the Swiss-Grand in Bondi?" The little men couldn't give us an answer as they threw us all out of Tez's room. At least she and Laura got a tobogen run in (with the help of Big Al). Unfortunately Steve didn't get his bath. I think he's still dirty. Who wants to stay at the Piss-Bland anyway?

People of TV: Cruella de Coal

The ABC's Q&A can be informative, involving, illicit, illegitimate and in-vitro, but it can also occasionally put a face to the nefarious 'Thank you for Smoking' lobbyists that populate government halls.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: 15 minutes of shame

HOLY SHIT!

This is why you should never buy your boozed mother a webcam. Check out Tengobaila, a YouTube channel that shows off this woman’s ‘dancing’ skills. She is insane. Her face sometimes dances separately to her body. And her body always dances separately to the music. In her profile she declares she has ‘no race or age’ and ‘no allegiance to imaginary borders or countries.’ I guess the question is what good-medicine is she on, and how can I get some?

Her tributes to MJ are of the highest order (you may also notice that she likes to start each of her videos with a money shot):

YouTube what did I do without you?

Fill two minutes of your employer’s time by watching this baby do his thing to Beyoncé (or as my Grandma calls her, "The Fiancée"). Speaking of my Grandmother she used to say, “You’ve got the devil in you today.” Although these days she just texts me about films she’s seen, “Inglorious Basterds – gory.”

Just watch the baby (the hand shake is my favourite) and pray that Calista Flockhart doesn’t get any ideas.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: 1784 billion, trillion dollars

Some mofo (called Dalton?!) in the US is suing the Bank of America for 1784 billion, trillion human dollars. That’s more coin than the whole world has. 1784 billion, trillion dollars? Why with that kind of money Tori Spelling could almost afford to get her pole-boobs fixed.

He is so going to win. Why didn’t I think of this first? Probably because I just went to use an orange instead of my mouse.

Yeah that probably explains a lot. Read about Denny Crane's next case here. Although with a name like Dalton he should be suing his parents for a sextillion dollars.

If I won this case I would want to be paid in Cook Island dollars as they feature a nude woman riding a shark. Sick.

The Hotel of Doom Returns

I can only imagine the party at North Korea's National Steven Segal Museum (NSSM to locals) to celebrate the fact that the long maligned Hotel of Doom is now covered in glass on one of its three facades. Sure it is still the biggest fuck up in the history of pyramid shaped fuck ups, and is still highly unstable, un-occupiable and the hottest group sex spot for Pyongyang's pigeon population, but from this one angle it no longer has to be retouched out of the skyline on official postcards.

Apparently North Korean government types are going to wait and see if the glass remains in place before tackling the now shunned east and west faces of the building. The Hotel of Doom will never be used for anything but pigeon porn unless Kim Jong Il can find $2 billion dollars for the works structural works required. Something I believe he could do by selling his interests in the En Vogue back catalogue.

One thing I did however discover is that North Korea officially classes itself as a democracy. An interesting position for a state that hasn't held elections since its inception. Jong Il does love North Korea Idol though, so perhaps that's why the winners keep ending up as ministers in his government?

Learn more about this great marvel here.

People of Sydney: The dangers of eating at 11pm

A late post-work snack turned into an auditory experience as the three people at the table next to me blabbed loudly, sang show tunes and delivered a piece of real human dialogue that not even the Japanese government's cyborg amalgamation of The Coeh Brothers, Tarantino and Hunter S. Thompson could write. You just can't make something like that up.

Ingoriest Basterds

Any film that involves strudel, the consumption of strudel or Kevin Kostner normally tanks at the box office (see Message in a Bottle, The Postman, Tin Cup and Waterworld). But luckily for the genre-raiding self-referencing genius of Quentin Tarantino (not to be confused with Her Excellency Quentin Bryce AO - her films normally feature way more gore and language that can't be shown in a general release) this strudel curse seems to be lifted by his latest effort Inglourious Basterds.

Despite it's slightly bloated running length the film is funny, gory, heavy on Nazi scalping (as opposed to the Nazi bikini waxing of Fran Drescher's underrated The Fanny series of telemovies) and filled with tension. The opening scene in the farmhouse is cracking. But the film would be nothing without the talents of Christoph Waltz. Man that dude can act. Comedy. Villainy. Strudel eating. He can do it all.

My scalps off to you Mr. Waltz. (See what I did there?)

People of Sydney: The Oyster Bar, David Jones Foodhall

These unearthly beauties were perched mid-week at the Oyster Bar having an 'excuse my beauty' lunch. David Lynch would've cast them on the spot (and then made them kiss and chase each other in owl outfits on film).

Anvil the Story of Anvil

Sometimes inspiration comes to you in unexpected forms; like when Michael Jackson's image appeared to an obese American family in the bark of one of their trees; or in unexpected happenings; like the fact that America managed to elect President Obama (despite that fact that some confusingly accuse him of being a fascist, a communist, a socialist - and some how all three very differing ideologies all at the same time - and oh the fact he is, well, erm, you know, how do I say this without offending anyone? From Hawaii).

But Anvil the Story of Anvil is also one of those occasions. See it. You will laugh at the real Spinal Tapness of it all. You will cry at the strong man-love bond between Lips and Robb. And you will be inspired to hang on to your dream and make that shiznit happen (even if it takes you 30 years to get there).

Be 108% more successful in conference calls - rad combinations

Conference calls are almost more evil than the long fabeled devil spawn of Rush Limbaugh and Jennifer Lopez (it will eat your soul - much like Nick Cave - but also raid your medicine cabinent for prescription medication. All while it shakes its ample booty). But until R-Lo ends all our lives as we know it, conference calls have to be endured and survived.

The best way? Give yourself over to an A2 layout pad and see what happens. The theme here - rad combinations.

People of Sydney: Glamour at the Hilton

The above great beauty is a 60ish year old woman in a aqua fur coat and volumous red mane (some of it her's, some of the remaining thatch of someone's merkin) who I observed marching through the lobby of the Hitlon.

It's all the moon's fault

Being up at 1am on a Sunday morning has its benefits. Like neighbours love it when you clean your house in the middle of the night and all the infomercials you can eat.

But it was on TV that I discovered this strange gem. Can't say Shakira is anyone I have ever really paid much attention too. And I am not so sure about the music (but then again I don't speak alien-vagine [see below] so the message she's spreading could be important), but this video was therapeutic.

It does leave me asking a few things however. Like why is she inside the sparkly-flesh-vagina of a large alien? If this is the dress code of the occupants of such a place, where do I get an invite? And how does Shakira manage to combine the moves of an exotic dancer with the out of time spasming of the homeless shemale I pass everyday on my way to work?



One hunch is that it is all caused by the psychotropic fumes of the alien tuna canoe.

Happy Birthday President Obama

I hope Michelle makes him an ice cream cake. Although being President he can order off the menu. I'd order the following:

Spaghetti and meatballs
6 shredded beef tacos
Spaghetti bolognase
A platter of assorted burritos, quesadillas, enchiladas and taquitos
Chilli crab spaghetti
Assorted salmon, tuna and sword fish sashimi
Spaghetti amatriciana
Roast beef, vegetables, Yorkshire puddings and gravy
A roast chicken
Thai red duck curry

Actually, stuff it I'd just suggest we have yum cha (dim sum).

This woman is bat-shizzle-crazy

Not only is this woman (Dr. Orly Downstairs Mouth) crazy enough to lather herself in Lindsay Lohan's tan-in-a-can (here I believe she models the ever popular Tuna-Canoe flavour) but she's also insane enough to spend her time campaigning with ''millions'' of other American's to have Barack Obama's "secrets" exposed.

She is a 'birther' and believes that President ''did we mention his middle name is Hussein'' Obama wasn't actually born in Hawaii, but rather forged his own birth certificate, and birth announcements (possibly while still in uterine: what else is a productive brother supposed to do with nine spare months?) in the hope that he would, 48 years later, be president.

Problem is that Dr. Orly Salmon Catamaran is way off with Barack's secrets. Dude is the rightful President of the United States - but he has hidden much from us all. Let me reveal what to you before the brown-pants media shut me down:

1. He is Spiderman
2. He uses an electric toothbrush
3. He invented River Dance
4. Every time he sneezes a butterfly has an orgasm
5. He once explored the realm of the flesh tagine

Watch this if you dare. And then hope that no one is actually stupid enough to believe anything that Dr. Orly Clam Surprise says.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - shake and what?

American's love an instant fix. Want to eat the national savoury wrap of Mexico for breakfast? No worries all you need is a microwave.

Want to have the tan of a Miami call girl? Easy just spray yourself with some of Lindsay Lohan's snatch juice in a can.

And luckily now ladies you can have the arms of First Lady Michelle Obama without the work. It's easy just buy the Shake Weight. It's the only machine that readies your arms for providing gentlemen callers with light hand relief.

And all for the cost affordable price of $19.95. Is it wrong that I'm now craving Shake n' Bake?

How to sell a product

With a script that has a really catchy and relate-able message. Oh and a tranny gag. If you can't include mannequin humour, then all scripts must have a tranny. I didn't make the rules Jesus did.

This is what Alanis Morissette was singing about right?

This is why so many people jizz in their pants about the internet. Because it is a place where a song from Phoenix's 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix can mate with the Brat Pack and produce three minutes of online entertainment. How Ironic. I can’t explain why but people creating useless and meaningless stuff like this gives me a world wide web worthy boner.

There, I said it.

The delights of you tube

Because you tube is the most magical place on the world wide web. Other than Kim Jong Il's twitter feed. And because I am a lazy blogger. Blog imitating life really.

My hands are bananas




Sour's 'Hibi no Neiro

He he. Sham-on. Ahhhh!

RIP MJ.

Never have I seen buildings bleeding so well

Please consider RoboGeisha and her bust guns, hip katanas, fried shrimp and disabled guns. Enjoy also the fine voice work of Satan.

I'm a twat.

Hang on I don't know if I'm saying that right. I'm now on Twitter. So I now twat? Is that the right verb? I'm confused. Twat.

http://twitter.com/joshaitken

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Live from Mars it's Saturday night!

I didn't know that ruling the Earth from Mars made your eye so wonky. But I guess it would be hard to find a good plastic surgeon up there. Just don't look into the eye, look around the eye, or you may end up a smiling follower in your very own 'it's a small world after all' national costume. Although not since the snuggie infomercial have I seen such happy people. Maybe her High Holy Queen of the rings of Uranus is on to something.

Mind flu

Forget swine flu (which is easy as it isn't the dreaded elephant flu) as I have mind flu. Sure you probably won't catch it being date-raped on a P&O Cruise. Or by attending a large gathering at the MCG. But it is just a debilitating, but doesn't come with the sexy face masks. It is a pain in the arse.

Samson & Delilah

Warwick Thorton's film is one of few words. And so is this post. It's sad. It's rad. See it.

Keyboard cat is my hero

I never thought that my love for Spaghetti Cat could be overshadowed. Ever. He completed me. But then I met Keyboard Cat. And he had me at hello. Seriously, anything that brings a happy resolution to Hayley Joel Osmund's guest spot on Walker Texas Ranger, is worth the price of the 118 batteries you need to run a Casio keyboard.

Visit Keyboard Cat in all his magnificence here.

Exercise is for dickheads

I finally understand obesity. Not only do you enclose your body in a safety cage of your emotionally caused blubber, you also don't injure yourself by exercising. And you also get to eat everything deep-fried and covered in chocolate.

Sunday arvo I decided to go for a run.

All was going according to plan, one foot after the other (repeat). Ran down through Woolloomooloo then up around Mrs. Macquarie’s chair. I was feeling good, and running for Australia. Minus the lycra. And the fast running.

Little did I know that shit was about to go down. Clover Moore had cursed me with her bottomless collection of executive neck chokers and a complete lack of street lights.

Placed right in the middle of the footpath for your falling pleasure was the above decorative concrete hurdle.

So there goes me flying through the air heading for a pash with the bitumen. Luckily I employed all of my ninja know-how and managed to land on my left arm and then right shoulder and roll (almost down the stairs). I jumped up dusted off my grazed bits and ran the 15 minutes home.

It wasn’t until later the pain set in. So here I am now typing this with one hand, old school style. Meanwhile my left arm has seized up into a perfect right angle. Like some Josh action figure cheaply made in China and painted with almost skin-toned led paint.

You don’t realise how much you use both hands/arms until you can’t. Who would’ve thought that running is a contact sport. Maybe there's a new reality show in that. It will be massive in Japan. Well as long as the contestants had to cook with their genitals at the same time. Japan - it's all about the nuance.

EDIT - I have a fractured radius (one of the bones in your forearm). Awesomeness.

Monkey Face

Just ask long time campaigner Dolly Parton, monkey face is a crisis that is now reaching pandemic proportions. Every nine minutes somewhere on earth someone is given a monkey face. (Or in french: visage de singe. Which sounds much nicer than it actually is.) That's a lot of monkey faces. Way too many if you ask me.

Please help us as we aim to raise awareness and move to reduce the incidences of monkey face by half. That's a goal of half a monkey face every nine minutes (with I guess the other half having to wait a further nine minutes - that's some tantric shit).

It does stand to prove one thing though - the french language manages to make anything sound appealing - even monkey face.

Mary & Max

Not since Disney's Lady and the Tramp has an animated film been so moving (see human eye incontinence) and yet deal so effectively with the pitfalls of dog on dog romance. But Mary & Max, Adam Elliot's first full length feature is an achievement, with a great cast and strangely endearing clay visuals (although I always have been partial to play doh). You'll laugh, you'll cry and if you are anything like me you will drop your iPhone in a blackened theatre just after you've turned it on silent (awesome). I'm only giving it four stars mainly because I think the title should've been Max & Mary and not Mary & Max.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: food exfoliation

Just when I thought that apex of American achievement had been reached with Dreamworks' Hotel for Dogs, along comes the Handy Peel. Never has the process that gives you the holiest of foods - mashed potatoes - been so disturbing. Although it is no where near as off-putting as the carrot sequence. Clasp that carrot. And now scrub rythymically.

The Handy Peel does however leave vegetables looking fresh, ten years younger and virtually pore-free. Yes that I will give them.

Conspiracy Theory: Meetings

Meetings are where creativity, productivity, sanity and the nativity all go to die. They are a massive waste of time. But is there something more sinister behind it all? Yes.

The meeting is a concept developed by a clandestine group of faceless chairmen in 1976 in order to distract the good people of earth. Why distract us? To guarantee that they would be able to halt the progress of technological, social and artistic development of the human race in order to ensure that we remain defenseless from the coming invasion of their giant space slug queen named Sally in the year 3001. It’s a lot to digest (both the concept and the entire human race, but Sally has 12 stomachs and 3 anuses). But we are all just pawns in a game set up by a group of expressionless computerised transvestites who worship a strangely named - morbidly obese - space slug, who has yet to discover a speedy way of coming to our planet in order to feast on our tasty entrails.

There is hope for mankind though. Stop wasting your precious time sitting in rooms talking in acronyms and instead devote yourselves to building slug repelling weapons and death rays. I for one am designing a rissole launcher. Sally will never know what hit her (minced meat).

The Hotel of Doom

Fine Comrades,

I've always wanted to go to North Korea. Who wouldn't. They have substandard missiles, Kim Jong Il, dancing bears, have the world's only Steve Segal museum and, if that's not enough, everyone wears a uniform. But where do you stay in a country that has no HotelIbis?

The Ryugyong Hotel (Korean for “giant waste of substandard concrete”) of course. It stands 105 storeys tall. Looks like ThunderbirdOne. Was started in 1987 before being abandoned a long way off completion in 1992. Where it has been left dormant without interiors or general comforts like windows or electricity ever since. Although there are now plans to mount a mobile phone tower to the top of it (Telstra never misses a trick).

The Hotel of Doom, as some call it, is in fact so secret that the government airbrushes it from all photos of Pyongyang and have forbidden citizens from looking at it, talking about it, or too it. Much like Tom Cruise really.

It is basically the most giant pyramid shaped fuck-up in the history of pyramid shaped fuck-ups. And boy have there been a few. I don’t know about you but I am going to spend my Easter long weekend building a tribute to honour this fine building out of the lead-coated substandard Lego i picked up in China Town.

We should all give Kim Jong Il a break though, it is very time consuming having twins and triplets removed from their parents and sent away to a baby work camp. (His nightmare that twins will overthrow him is a whole other post.)

In the meantime learn more about the Hotel of Doom at the Wikipedia truth site here.

A Christmas Tale

A Christmas Tale (Un conte de Noël - French for longer than The Lord of the Rings) is the writing and directorial debut of the Marlboro Man. The film begins as splintered as the dysfunctional Vuillard's are, but becomes tighter and more enjoyable, as they all come together as a family for Christmas for the first time in many years. It is over three hours long and probably has to be as it deals with death, cancer, family, adultery, religion, mathematics, philosophy, depression, mental illness, why Catherine Deneuve is hotter than her own daughter and roast turkey. I did however find the 'my daughter is a packet of cigarettes' subplot a little forced. But I guess it is what the Marlboro Man knows.

While the cast is rad, Catherine Deneuve steals the show, and should've played all of the parts herself. But then again I have to say that or Rain will disown me.

It's a sign

Just when you think there is no hope for humanity - with all the fighting, global warming, global financial meltdowning and rampant zombie attacks - god sends us a sign, and lets us know that we should hang in there and have faith. It may be an apparition of the virgin Mary having tea with Buddha singed into your pop tart. Or in this case a sit down chat between two of my favourite people that I don't know - Dave Letterman and Jon Stewart. I guess you can stop stocking the quantum sleeper with tinned food for at least another week.

Enjoyify.

Part 1


Part 2

The Urban Dictionary

English is a funny flawed language. But the good thing about it is that it poaches from other languages (tidal waves become tsunamis - well not literally because that would be all kinds of toilet if a tidal wave and a tsunami combined forces ala Voltron) and allows for improvisation and reinvention. Which is why I like to take a break from reading about how to get arms like Michelle Obama and visit the urban dictionary (no caps as it's all urban and shit) to discover new words.

Some of my recent favourites:

Lesbro
1. A man who has more friendships with lesbians than other women or men.
2. A man who befriends lesbians with the intent to seduce them.

Steve is such a lesbro. He doesn't have a chance with those women.

Bromance
Describes the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males.

Nonversation
A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon. Typically occurs at parties, bars or other events where meaningful conversation is nearly impossible.

Cewebrity
An internet personality that has attained celebrity.

Social Notworking
The practice of spending time unproductively on social-networking websites, especially when one should be working.

Remote Dance
The movements you make with your hand when trying to get your tv to recognize your remote control.

Laundry Limbo
Intentionally rewashing clothing simply because you don't feel like putting it away.

Lol Theory

The theory that the internet phrase lol,meaning "laugh out loud", can be placed at any part in any sentence and make said sentence lose all credibilty and seriousness.

1. Doc: We need to operate on your colon lol, you have cancer.

2. Jesus: Take this all of you and eat it, it is my body, lol.

3. Man: Will you marry me? Lol.

I feel like we have all learned something. Now back to Michelle Obama's arms...

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: the quantum sleeper

You know a feeling I just never seem to get enough of? That - hey honey I’m trapped in a coffin and I’m not dead or a zombie - feeling. That feeling when there’s just a little too much air to breath? Not to mention (well I guess I’m about to) the seemingly endless nights I lay awake waiting for the coming of the reckoning or EoD (End of Days) as I like to call it. You know, when the baby Jesus returns from fighting Tom Cruise to reap showers of love in the form of total annihilation upon us all. Good times.

Well I needn’t worry any longer as here is a product that combines all of this with my love for naming products with two completely unrelated words. Introducing the Quantum Sleeper. It will save you from the pretty much everyone and everything but yourself. From floods to terrorists it has you covered, and all within the comforting glow of a TV and a microwave. Who wants breakfast burritos?

Forget about your sub-prime house that the bank has sold from under you for five dollars and the Sean William Scott DVD collection. Just invest in one of these beautifully apocalypse-proof bed bunkers. If it’s good enough for Newt Brown-pants Jnr and Mary-Beth Sweater-set then you can bet it’s good enough for me.

Fiscal Stimulus ABC style

I will post just about anything with a Chuck Norris reference, but a Chuck Norris and exercise infomercial reference, things like that deserve their own blog. The clever people at Working Dog and the ABC have put forward their argument for more funding for the ABC.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: clean is happy

American's love Hulk Hogan. But there is one thing they love more and that's happiness. And over there happiness comes in many forms. Religious. Super-sized meal deals. Personalised gun racks. And, well, toilets. Meet the washlet. It has laser guided oscillating spot cleansing powers. It is the future of toilets. In fact it could even be from the future, so watch out John Connor.

If you want to know how it works, or be entertained by how many ways six out of work actors can talk about going to the toilet without actually ever talking about it, then this is a site for you. Just ask Beth W (the long suffering wife of Joe the Plumber) she loves it.

And remember clean is happy. And only Lucifer himself uses toilet paper.

An internship worth applying for

Dave Letterman is one of the all time greats and a hero of mine - mainly for his toupee work. But recently Letterman has been feeling the wrath and love (in equal parts) of Lyle the intern. As funny as Dave is, its his straight man act when with Lyle that cracks me up. Discover the disturbing wonders of Lyle below. And yes I finally learned how to embed a video. Next is embedding nanobots.

One question though, who is Jessica Tandy?

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: the executive muumuu

Straight from the land of the 99c taco and the 400lb eleven year old I bring you the Satiny Caftan Lounger (A muumuu is a muumuu by any name), “for around the clock comfort”. I'm not sure what's funnier: listing that it’s made of "100% lush pure polyester”, which is apparently “as soft as silk, and as smooth as satin" as a benefit, or that they recommend that you ware these “elegant garments while entertaining or even for that candlelight dinner for two."

You'd want to hope it was a candlelight meal, so that your significant other couldn't see the migraine inducing prints on offer, like "Seashore," "Daydream Pink" and my personal favourite for it’s sexy-time inducing name, "Wonderland." I'd also recommend that you don’t get too close to those candles as that lush 100% polyester would ignite in a flash. But what's the risk of having polyester burnt into your torso, when you can look as good and feel as comfortable as the spokes-models? Which is both creepy and a boon, that they managed to find triplet mid-western mums to showcase the range.

So if you’re stuck for the perfect Christmas gift for anyone of any age from sizes 8 – 24 (really big fatties need not apply) male, female or other wise, then go with the product that is so simple you can just “slip one over your head.” They’re also perfect for the heat of summer and the beach, as such “high quality imported” polyester neither breathes, or wicks sweat away from your chaffed thighs. They would hide your cankles and gunt however.

And all for the bargain basement price of just $39.95 + postage and handling. But wait, as always, there is more, oh yes, if you buy three or more you can get them at the shocking price of $29.95. Yes! Shocking! So shocking I nearly vom-vomed up everything I had emotionally eaten this morning. I just have so many feelings.

May Xenu bless America.

The Reader

Tales of first love have always been fodder for movies, from 21 Candles, to The Little Mermaid and Milo & Otis (a film I vomited in when I saw it as a child), to The Notebook. But Stephen Daldry's The Reader is a film about first love that throws a few new elements into the mix, namely Nazis and pedophilia (with not a goblet of Jesus juice or a ranch with a theme park in site). David Cross nearly steals the show, with a stern and button-downed Winslet very deserving of the Oscar. Who ever did her old lady make-up (read as grey face-paint applied by a vengeful monkey) should be made to watch the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

But The Reader does however prove two things, one: both Milo & Otis and The Notebook would've been far more interesting if they had featured stern Nazi ladies, and two: reading is a great aphrodisiac.

Be 200% more successful at working for the man

Fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day that Fabien Shantaram (name concealed for national security reasons) held aloft his magic biro and said, "Did I tell you I have an MBA?!" So like the Castle Greyskull, The Sorceress and BattleCat I am now sharing with you his secrets to successfully work your way up into the higher echelons of any evil multinational corporation that you choose, or at least until they shift you from office to office and finally realise that you are a useless good-for-nothing waste of valuable office space (surely we could fit another photocopier or massive roll of bubble wrap in place of your cubicle) and that all you do is carry around blanks pages of paper.

Click above to see them large. I need to get IT to stop downloading from "best daily fisting flics" and teach me how to make it so it is not text for ants, but rather for human eyes under my picutres.

Acting with James Franco

It's almost Oscars time, and seeing as we're all going to be out of jobs soon anyway, why not learn a trade that is the natural partner of unemployment - acting. How do you become an actor? Do you have to go to RADA? Have pushy obese stage parents? Be an Arguette, Baldwin or Daddo? Expose yourself on reality TV? Marry a studio exec? Probably all of the above. But you also have to get some lessons and choose a method or technique to bore people about at parties.

Luckily for those of us just trying to take an inquisitory sip from the thespian cup, the google machine provides important lessons in the most noble craft that rhymes with lesbianism. Join actor James W D Franco below as he instructs a midget in the three main cornerstones of thespianism:

1. Sense memory

Acting With James Franco Episode 1: "Sense Memory" from James Franco

2. Green screen

Acting with James Franco Episode 2: "Green Screen" from James Franco

3. Scene work

Acting with James Franco Episode 3: Scene Work from James Franco

I feel a two episode arc on Judge Judy coming my way after watching these.

Great online idea in need of human investors

Post Google, Yahoo!, e-bay, YouTube, MySpace, Facebook and Twitter everyone is looking for the next big online idea (or how to rip off an existing one, hence my plans to start MyFace) to bring in some easy coin. And I think I just may have cracked the thing that is going to take the interweb by storm.

Something new, something that has as far as I know never been done before.

I can't give too much away or someone else may beat me to it. And that would just be sad, sad like when the Little Mermaid realises she is a ginger-ninja sad. But if you like the idea and have some capital in these tough times then this could be your next online investment. We'll do things the online way, plough money into it, never make a profit or figure out how to make a profit, but still manage to offload it to Rupert Murdoch or those evil Walt Disney people and let them figure out if it was $4 billion dollars well spent.

Okay so what you do is get a video camera (maybe a few if you want to be all fancy), and then film people having sex and partaking in other sex-related activities, like Monkey Face for instance. Then you post it up and let people watch it via the world wide web. I think you'd call it pron, or porn, or punn, or video-touchey-touch or something like that.

Seriously this shit could be big. It could revolutionise the net which I know is something Al Gore has wanted ever since he invented it back in 1945. It could even be inspiration for The Net 2, a project I know Sandra Bullock wishes she could get off the ground. Problem is, after Speed 2 and Miss Congeniality 2 (and the direct to VHS in Malaysia - While You Were Sleeping Again) no one trusts her with sequels. Not even McG.

I wanted to post a link, but how do I link to the whole internet? Maybe that's our next business venture?

Men's Group

When I first heard of this film, I was a little worried about how much the promotion hinged on the fact that the film was largely unscripted, and that while all the actors knew their own character's back stories, they didn't know that of the other characters, or where the plot was heading. This however is no gimmick. The result is a raw, confronting, unpredictable and moving piece of film that will plague you for days to follow. What an achievement for a first feature. And so well edited and acted. Learn more about it here. This and The Black Balloon were the standout Australian films of last year.

It is heavy going (although not a home abortion in sight) so I would prescribe that you follow it up with either Step Brothers or Pineapple Express, or both. Sometimes one bromance comedy is not enough.

What a total Tuesday

If there's one thing that irks me more than a lack of Tina Fey in my daily life, it's motivational speakers and self-help seminars.

I really hope the good people at Merrill Lynch get this guy in to motivate them through the hassle times of losing everyone's money and causing the whole world to teeter into the economic abyss.

I'd hire him for his fine mullet work. So much silky flow and shine. He must use VO5.

All the same he is the Tuesday of the week, and should have the business at the front Maori punched all the way to the party at the back of his head. Watch it here. I should really get one of those date-rape guys from IT to teach me how to embed videos.

Businessisms - From an Overall Standpoint

From an overall standpoint is a great way to start, fill and end sentences, sometimes even the same one. Try it in the next meeting you have to attend and see how it goes. In one meeting it was said 28 times by the same person in the space of an hour.

Got Milk?

Being lactose and Sean Penn intolerant MILK is not a film I initially rushed to see. And I may not be the only one, with Focus Features retitling the film SOY in many key Asian markets. We'll wait on box office numbers to see how effective such a tactical move will be.

But the film itself is less about the pasteurisation process and more about a man who loves men and rights and a lady loves orange juice and Jesus. Although part of me thinks they should've cast Michael Jackson and re-written the later part to be a woman who loves Jesus juice. Missed opportunity really Mr Van Sant, or is it Mr Sant? But I guess that would make his first name Gus Van.

Either way, jesus juice, jesus milk or not, it is a story worth telling and therefore worth watching. See the trailer here.

You've seen it on the silver screen now enjoy it in technicolour words

Not even creationists can argue the scientific fact that Hollywood has run out of ideas. If a property hasn't already been remade at least once (see The Hulk) then it's highly likely that it's already in development. The situation is so bad that Hallmark telemovies starring Alyssa Milano and the surviving cast of Party of Five are now being adapted for the big screen. But what if the land of literature ran out of ideas, and had to start novelising movies? Well the cover art work would be freak'n awesome. See more here.

I can't believe anyone managed to make Face/Off look interesting.