Thursday, 18 October 2012

A Post Obama Survival Guide

There’s no point denying it. I love US President Barack Obama. In fact I often peer devotedly into his eyes via the embroidered Obama cushion that adorns my couch. So in the history of bromances it’s arguable that my love for him even exceeds Karl Stefanovic’s ardour for Alan Jones, John Howard’s beautiful and tender devotion for former US President George W Bush, and even Paul Henry’s besottedness for himself.

And it appears that when it comes to fellow countrymen, I’m not alone. An online poll of 1,000 Australians by UMR Research revealed that a landslide 72% of us would vote for President Obama. While a Lowy Institute poll put that figure even higher at 80%. (A level of popularity statisticians mathematically define as the ‘One Direction + Gangnam Style to the power of fluffy kitten memes’ principle.)

With numbers like that, Obama could probably go all Chavez, change the constitution and become the grand high ruler of time and space. But that’s if Australians could vote in the US election. With only a few short weeks left until the election, the President has to face a much more evenly split audience – the American people.

At this point it looks touch and go, although his spirited performance in the second debate should 
help wrest some of the momentum back. There will also be a lot hanging on the coming onslaught of swing state advertising (both official and ‘Super PAC’ unofficial).
But in case of emergency, I’ve prepared a step-by-step guide of how to cope if Mitt Romney does become the President-elect of the country that provides the remnants of Channel 9 with the bulk of its ratings.

Step 1 – Accept the loss
Acceptance is hard, but essential. We can see the effects that denial had on many Republicans who joined the ‘Birther Movement’ after the last election. I don’t want to see any of us starting the ‘Martian Movement’, no matter how much evidence there is to prove that Mitt Romney’s hair is a glorious gift from Uranus.

Step 2 – Open up about your feelings
Don’t hold your pain inside like our always-demure Kevin Rudd. Instead, let it out like an irrepressible, cross-dimensional meandering worthy of Clive Palmer. This way you’ll be able to share your grief, loudly and often with friends, family, coworkers, fellow commuters and trusted talkback radio hosts or mummy bloggers. And don’t be afraid to cry. If Obama actually does lose, I’ll be ready to show even North Koreans what unedifying public grief for a fallen leader really looks like.

Step 3 – Ignore the trolls and the doubters
As always there will be those around you and on the global interwebs who’ll take great joy in rubbing hand-milled Murray River pink salt into your wounds. These bandwagon jumper-on-er-ers will be hard to ignore but it’s best that you do, as feeding them is like giving iron ore licenses to chiffon-muumuu-clad mining magnates. Trust me, you’ll never hear the end of it. It’ll be, “Let them earn enough to eat from the $2 McValue Menu” from now until The Rapture.

Step 5 – Remember the good times
If there are dark days post-November 6, then take heart in the words of Alfred Lord Tennyson - ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ Remember the feeling that electrified the world when a very green senator from Illinois became the first African American to win the White House. Also recall what he achieved for his country: passing health care, stimulus and Wall St reforms; bailing out automakers; ending the war in Iraq; improving support for returning veterans; repelling ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’; killing Osama Bin Laden; reforming student loans; etc, etc.

Step 6 – Give yourself time to recover
Finally, allow yourself time to heal. As revered thinker and great philosopher Rachel Hunter once mused, ‘It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.’ And inoculate yourself by knowing that if President Obama does lose on November 6, that while the world could be worse off, at least we won’t have to wait another four years for his next book.

For my sake (and for my so far very tolerant girlfriend’s) I hope I never have to use these tips, and that President Obama manages to hang on to his swing state firewall. This may very well see him scrape home with the 270 electoral college votes required to stay the man of my (and many Australians’) dreams for yet another four years.

And most importantly, it’ll give my beloved Obama cushion continued permission to brighten up my lounge room – and my life – for many years to come.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

I too am from Queensland and I speak Kevin.

It must be tough being Kevin Michael Rudd MP. Every time that our glorious former Prime Minister opens his fair-shake-of-the-tomato-sauce-hole to simply share his musings people accuse him of broadcasting all kinds of subversive anti-Prime Minister Gillard messages. But he’s not the problem. It’s you. You’re just not hearing him right.

Being a native born Queenslander myself, I speak more than a little Kevin, so I’d like to help bridge the language barrier to allow you understand some of the finer points in the Member for Griffiths’ 730 interview.

LEIGH SALES: Mr Rudd, what a lot of Australians want to know about China is whether its economy is fizzling or not…?

KEVIN RUDD, LABOR MP: The virtue of being here at the World Economic Forum is being able to talk to not just Chinese officials and Chinese ministers about this subject, but also those who study professionally the Chinese economy. 

TRANSLATION: Guess who knows Mandarin you rat-f*ckers? I do! Some Prime Ministers, don’t even have a handle on English.

LEIGH SALES: Well we have had some debate here in Australia within the Government about whether the mining boom is over or not…

KEVIN RUDD: …Any student of the history of commodity prices know that it's much more complex than that...Prices have come off… prices are now at their lowest that they've been since 2009 - 30 per cent off in the last short few months - but medium term, long term, frankly, there is robust demand here still. 

TRANSLATION: I know history, in fact most modern history has been written in my honour. For example commodity prices were good in 2009. And in 2009 one K-Rudd was the big cheese in town. Ergo, give me my job back and we’ll all be rolling in bags of money, expensive chiffon muumuus and our own filth much like Gina Rinehart.

LEIGH SALES: …this week the first lot of asylum seekers will arrive in Nauru under Labor's new offshore processing policy… Are you comfortable with this policy?

KEVIN RUDD: As I've said before, Leigh, I respect very much the judgment of the minister, Chris Bowen. He's a good man, he applies a good conscience and good mind to what is a difficult issue... 

TRANSLATION: Join me members of the federal Labor caucus and you too will be made treasure of Australia and receive 40 virgins upon reaching the promised land, just like my good friend the very talented and very good looking Chris Bowen.

LEIGH SALES: Mr Rudd, this is your first interview since the leadership challenge in February. Why are you raising your profile now?

KEVIN RUDD: Well, actually, Leigh, that's quite wrong. Last week or so I've had three general interviews with the media and … I've been out and about doing other things. 

TRANSLATION: How dare you. I am Kevin Rudd of Queensland, Prime Minister and UN General Secretary in waiting. There is no one with a higher profile than me.

LEIGH SALES: It's a bit different to sitting down for sustained, scrutinised questioning along one line though.

KEVIN RUDD: Well, you can frame it as you so chose. The bottom line is if I look at the fact that we face the prospect of Mr Abbott as the alternative prime minister of Australia, it's important I lend my shoulder to the wheel as well when it comes to making it clear to the Australian public what they'd be buying on trust with Mr Abbott. 

TRANSLATION: I used to be afraid of Mr Abbott, but I’m not anymore as this time I’m going to build a giant catapult that can only be operated by me applying my shoulder an entirely un-metaphorical wheel. You hear that Bill Shorten? Only my shoulder can operate the wheel.

LEIGH SALES: …you recently said in a speech that the next election was winnable for Labor, but afterwards you ducked a question on whether Labor could win with Julia Gillard as the leader. Will you answer that now?

KEVIN RUDD: Of course the Government can prevail against Mr Abbott at the next election. And that's why I'm supporting the Government... 

TRANSLATION: Leigh, you’ll have to start paying attention, of course we can win, didn’t you just hear me explain the giant catapult?

LEIGH SALES: With Julia Gillard as the leader?

KEVIN RUDD: ... under the Prime Minister's leadership to do so. 

TRANSLATION: No silly, with me, the people’s Prime Minister.

LEIGH SALES: Under Prime Minister Julia Gillard?

KEVIN RUDD: I just said that. Under Prime Minister Gillard's leadership. 

TRANSLATION: Could I be any clearer? With me, THE Prime Minister. Don’t you know how our system works? Like Highlander there can be only one.

KEVIN RUDD: And let me tell you, my voice won't be silenced in the public debate... 

TRANSLATION: Just like Nelson Mandela faced all those years ago, I too am the victim of child-hating, drink-spiking, militant forces trying to oppress and censor me, the glorious light-emitting big head on the hill, Kevin Rudd.

I hope that’s cleared everything up, I know Kevin would hate you to miss his ever overstated point. I just wish I could help you understand what exactly Clive Palmer was on about on Lateline last night. But sadly that’s a dialect of Queenslander (kind of like Klingon) that not even I understand.

- The full, un-translated version of the transcript is now available on the 730 website.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

YouTube what did I do without you? From Russia with love

Now this is best Russian tourism campaign ever waged by former President and now Prime Minister Vladamir Putin. Who knew he had time to come up with such revolutionary ideas on his down time from being the Russian speaking equivalent of Chuck Norris.

If only those numpties at Tourism Australia could get their act together and stage something like this for when Oprah is in town next month. Better yet, why don't we feed Oprah mushrooms and release her onto the Iceberg's pool and see what happens. Avert your eyes children, avert your eyes.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The Social Network

I wonder how many people have downloaded Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher's The Social Network over the internet? Or if, like me, it forces you to leave the comfort of your laptop-singed, jizz-stained bed sheets and see a film on the big screen at your local cinemaplex. This film has been hailed as everything from Obama's latest evil plan to steal obese kid's gun money to the film of the millennia.

There's no doubting that when you compare it to Showgirls or the Bible it is a great film. It is well paced, has Sorkin's usual dense engaging dialogue and confident performances of Jess Eisenbery and Anderw Garfield (the new Spiderman) and a perfectly cast Justin Timberlake (in his best work since 'Dick in your Box') as the creepy founder of Napster.

The moral of the story? Be a complete a-to-the-hole prepared to knock the back out of friends, colleagues, class mates and any one's privacy you want in order to earn $25 Gorillian dollars.

Friday, 12 November 2010

YouTube what did I do without you? Skateistan

This is how they do's it in the Stan.

Thanks Chris

Friday, 5 November 2010

People of Sydney: Angi Pangi

YouTube what did I do without you? Best Compilation ever.

Okay so it's not from YouTube, but to me YouTube is now like GladWrap is to the cling wrap category. Either way this video truly is the most epic compilation of videos ever known to me and the one other person in the office with me on a Friday afternoon. So there you have it. It's final. Lara and I have spoken.

Thanks Jordan

Things left on the sharing table - human collar

Is this for a man? A woman? A dog? John Travolta? Not sure. But it's free to anyone who happens to pass the Fort Knox like security in my building. I bet it was the old woman in apartment 4. Kinky old bitch.

Friday, 24 September 2010

People of Sydney: Bondi bride

All hail the Russian child brides of Bondi.

YouTube what did I do without you? Have a crank

It's Friday, which means time to head home, eat some left overs and then to top it all off - cry yourself to sleep while you slowly wank (otherwise known as a crank or cranking). Not feeling it? You will once you watch this. You'll thank me later.

Thursday, 23 September 2010


There aren't many films that melt my heart (especially not since I had it removed and replaced with a replica made of Lego) Whale Rider was one, and now Taika Waititi's Boy is another. Maybe it's something about the Kiwi accent that confuses my neural receptors and nears me almost to the point of eye jizzing in sadness?

Whatever it is, Boy has all the things you could possibly want in a film: sweeping visuals, intoxicating performances, humour, sadness and most importantly Michael Jackson dancing.

I'd give it five churs as it is tu meke. (Or 'too much bro' out of ten for those of you still operating on the old scale.)

Friday, 10 September 2010

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Best. Stump Speech. Ever.

President Obama had better watch out. When he's not dealing with mustached Koran burners, he needs to worry about running against this guy at the next election. I'm going to try his angry pacing, emotional shouting and desperate assertion of future electoral success in my next presentation. I think clients will eat that shit up.

Thanks Woogsie

Things with speech bubbles - Winner takes all

YouTube what did I do without you?

Thank your preferred deity (I myself thank Snap, Crackle and Pop) it's Friday. Which means no work for two days. And that it's time to make your cowankers (a typo but it pleases me) dance in the office. Get ready to back up.

Thanks Karen.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

A long overdue tribute to the nude-body-stocking

Ever since I saw an actress wearing a nude-body-stocking in a torture scene in the original version of V, I have always admired the quiet dignity and yet almost nude quality that such a garment can give a wearer. And all while still allowing you to protect the sanctity of your man, lady or other parts. Whether that be at work, performing contemporary dance, or while being tortured in a laser chamber on the mother-ship of a disguised reptilian alien race.

So here's to rocking out with your cock almost out.