Straight from the land of the 99c taco and the 400lb eleven year old I bring you the Satiny Caftan Lounger (A muumuu is a muumuu by any name), “for around the clock comfort”. I'm not sure what's funnier: listing that it’s made of "100% lush pure polyester”, which is apparently “as soft as silk, and as smooth as satin" as a benefit, or that they recommend that you ware these “elegant garments while entertaining or even for that candlelight dinner for two."
You'd want to hope it was a candlelight meal, so that your significant other couldn't see the migraine inducing prints on offer, like "Seashore," "Daydream Pink" and my personal favourite for it’s sexy-time inducing name, "Wonderland." I'd also recommend that you don’t get too close to those candles as that lush 100% polyester would ignite in a flash. But what's the risk of having polyester burnt into your torso, when you can look as good and feel as comfortable as the spokes-models? Which is both creepy and a boon, that they managed to find triplet mid-western mums to showcase the range.
So if you’re stuck for the perfect Christmas gift for anyone of any age from sizes 8 – 24 (really big fatties need not apply) male, female or other wise, then go with the product that is so simple you can just “slip one over your head.” They’re also perfect for the heat of summer and the beach, as such “high quality imported” polyester neither breathes, or wicks sweat away from your chaffed thighs. They would hide your cankles and gunt however.
And all for the bargain basement price of just $39.95 + postage and handling. But wait, as always, there is more, oh yes, if you buy three or more you can get them at the shocking price of $29.95. Yes! Shocking! So shocking I nearly vom-vomed up everything I had emotionally eaten this morning. I just have so many feelings.
May Xenu bless America.
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