YouTube what did I do without you? From Russia with love

Now this is best Russian tourism campaign ever waged by former President and now Prime Minister Vladamir Putin. Who knew he had time to come up with such revolutionary ideas on his down time from being the Russian speaking equivalent of Chuck Norris.

If only those numpties at Tourism Australia could get their act together and stage something like this for when Oprah is in town next month. Better yet, why don't we feed Oprah mushrooms and release her onto the Iceberg's pool and see what happens. Avert your eyes children, avert your eyes.

Rest in a funny place Leslie Nielson

The Social Network

I wonder how many people have downloaded Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher's The Social Network over the internet? Or if, like me, it forces you to leave the comfort of your laptop-singed, jizz-stained bed sheets and see a film on the big screen at your local cinemaplex. This film has been hailed as everything from Obama's latest evil plan to steal obese kid's gun money to the film of the millennia.

There's no doubting that when you compare it to Showgirls or the Bible it is a great film. It is well paced, has Sorkin's usual dense engaging dialogue and confident performances of Jess Eisenbery and Anderw Garfield (the new Spiderman) and a perfectly cast Justin Timberlake (in his best work since 'Dick in your Box') as the creepy founder of Napster.

The moral of the story? Be a complete a-to-the-hole prepared to knock the back out of friends, colleagues, class mates and any one's privacy you want in order to earn $25 Gorillian dollars.

YouTube what did I do without you? Skateistan

This is how they do's it in the Stan.

Thanks Chris

People of Sydney: Angi Pangi

YouTube what did I do without you? Best Compilation ever.

Okay so it's not from YouTube, but to me YouTube is now like GladWrap is to the cling wrap category. Either way this video truly is the most epic compilation of videos ever known to me and the one other person in the office with me on a Friday afternoon. So there you have it. It's final. Lara and I have spoken.

Thanks Jordan

Things left on the sharing table - human collar

Is this for a man? A woman? A dog? John Travolta? Not sure. But it's free to anyone who happens to pass the Fort Knox like security in my building. I bet it was the old woman in apartment 4. Kinky old bitch.

People of Sydney: Bondi bride

All hail the Russian child brides of Bondi.

YouTube what did I do without you? Have a crank

It's Friday, which means time to head home, eat some left overs and then to top it all off - cry yourself to sleep while you slowly wank (otherwise known as a crank or cranking). Not feeling it? You will once you watch this. You'll thank me later.

Boy

There aren't many films that melt my heart (especially not since I had it removed and replaced with a replica made of Lego) Whale Rider was one, and now Taika Waititi's Boy is another. Maybe it's something about the Kiwi accent that confuses my neural receptors and nears me almost to the point of eye jizzing in sadness?

Whatever it is, Boy has all the things you could possibly want in a film: sweeping visuals, intoxicating performances, humour, sadness and most importantly Michael Jackson dancing.

I'd give it five churs as it is tu meke. (Or 'too much bro' out of ten for those of you still operating on the old scale.)

People of Sydney: Miss Trannypants

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - Best. Stump Speech. Ever.

President Obama had better watch out. When he's not dealing with mustached Koran burners, he needs to worry about running against this guy at the next election. I'm going to try his angry pacing, emotional shouting and desperate assertion of future electoral success in my next presentation. I think clients will eat that shit up.

Thanks Woogsie

Things with speech bubbles - Winner takes all

YouTube what did I do without you?

Thank your preferred deity (I myself thank Snap, Crackle and Pop) it's Friday. Which means no work for two days. And that it's time to make your cowankers (a typo but it pleases me) dance in the office. Get ready to back up.

Thanks Karen.

A long overdue tribute to the nude-body-stocking

Ever since I saw an actress wearing a nude-body-stocking in a torture scene in the original version of V, I have always admired the quiet dignity and yet almost nude quality that such a garment can give a wearer. And all while still allowing you to protect the sanctity of your man, lady or other parts. Whether that be at work, performing contemporary dance, or while being tortured in a laser chamber on the mother-ship of a disguised reptilian alien race.

So here's to rocking out with your cock almost out.

People of Sydney: The High Priestess of Potts Point

Things with speech bubbles - not so secret love affair

You know they want to.

What a cunt: Steve Fielding

Current member of the Australian Senate Family First's Steve Fielding is not a cunt because of the fact that last year he spent tax payers money on a 'study tour' of the US for facts on climate change which consisted of meeting with creationists and fossil fuel funded interest groups, he is not a cunt because he babbles incoherently in senate debate after debate, or is he a cunt because he tries to force his far right Christian beliefs on a free nation, he's not even a cunt because in desperation at the most recent election he turned his back on everything he supposedly believes in and tried to cut a laughable preferance deal with The Sex Party to hold on to his senate seat, the reason he is a cunt is because devoid of media attention and relevance he has come out today and threatened to vote down every bill and block supply of the budget if the independents - who'll decide this mess of an election - decide to side with caretaker PM Julia Gillard instead of opposition leader Tony Abbott.

What a total Tuesday. There I said it.

Things with speech bubbles - A well travelled vagina

I've been to cities that never go brown...

Salt

What is it with Hollywood and remakes? Aussie director Phillip Noyce met rave reviews with his last local production Rabbit Proof Fence. But America being America, and Hollywood being Hollywood he was tapped to remake it for an American audience. After many re-writes the journey of government abducted indigenous girls back to their family became the journey of Angelina Jolie in search of a new hair style (from long and blonde to black and long and then black and short for those of you keeping tally).

I did however like how they managed to express the pain of losing your family to a racist government through the complex allegory of jumping from truck to car to truck to motor bike to police car. It was truly moving. Smartly the studio also insisted the title was changed to avoid any negative connotations against current US Secretary of Defence Bugs Bunny. Either way both Noyce, Jolie and the entire cast provide an interesting enough journey to keep you from resorting to mutual masturbation in the darkened safety of the cinema.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee - the Cami Secret

All of this election nervousness has made me retreat into reassuring pass times like watching infomercials and looking at tittays. But unfortunately there is an infomercial that enables the average Sue, Susie or Susan (You can guess which one is the slutty one, but my money would be on Susie) to keep their modesty intact. Whether set at 'high' 'medium' or 'slut' the innovative Cami Secret allows woman to close the fabric deficit in their tops and stop the nip-slips.

I think I may buy one for my art director to cover his arse crack when it hangs out of his jeans.

YouTube what did I do without you? Tarp Surfing

Just because.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - let's try viral

Now I'm no expect, but I think both Tony Abbott and PM Julia Gillard were doing it wrong at the Rooty Hill RSL last night. In my experience if you are going to knock-the-back-out-of-someone it is always a good idea to be on stage at the same time. No wonder the crowd was riled up, they'd come to see Gillard and Abbott finally give in to the sexual desires that lurk deep within their special places, but instead what we ended up with was two hours of self-love in front of a fairly partisan (if it wasn't partisan, then our dear lady PM is in trouble) audience.

To lighten the whole thing up both parties are now both getting viral. You Tube is littered with various videos, but two of the best are the Liberal's 'Whack Labor' game here and the ALP's create your own Tony Abbott billboard site at tonyabbottisright.com

Above are some of my efforts.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Advertising for good

Cracking, powerful ad from Republic of Everyone on last night's Gruen Nation. While not quite the spine-tingling power of the topless Gillard dancing with indigenous elders on The Chaser's Yes We Canberra, it is proof that advertising doesn't always have to sell toilet cleaner to people with four toilets in their McMansions.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Lolatham

Mark Latham brought his very own maniacal brand of thuggery to the election campaign and the Ekka over the weekend. Feeling right at home amongst the carnival clowns, former Labor leader Latham stood-over the lady PM as she was stranded within the media pack. While ridiculous as a whole, this election has been taken to even worse places by the media and what they're interested in.

However there was a voice of reason, with Nine News political editor (and Amanda Vanstone's twin brother - think He-Man and She-Ra only shapely) Laurie Oakes speaking out against his network for hiring the 'bile-filled' Latham to jizz some hate all over 60 Minutes.

I apologise to Oakes, as here I was thinking that he and his ranga hating ways had put Latham up to it so he could sneak off and join the cheese-on-a-stick and dagwood dog queue.

I do however love how Oakes always shows just a slight touch of ankle cleavage when he's sitting.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - The Next Generation

As confusing as this election may be, I was pleasantly surprised to turn on the television and realise that the Romulan High Command had finally put their hat in the ring. What would Australia's future be if it weren't tightly controlled by a disruptor not set on stun.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Moving Forward Together

I had forgotten that the internationally recognised sign of 'all is forgiven and we are now moving forward - together' is the awkward and haphazard co-fingering of the map of the great state of Queensland.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - The seat of Wentworth

As frequently pointed out by the talking heads on the ABC's new 24 hour news channel (the creatively named ABC News24) election sounds like erection. A point which was seemingly not lost on the Malcolm Turnbull pamphlet drive in the seat of Wentworth today. More than how to vote cards were exchanged as the gathering become a pick up zone for the middle aged gay scene. Who says that men can't multi-task?

No doubt Tony Abbott would be concerned. Family First on the other hand would be issuing a jihad.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Yes We Canberra!

Only two more weeks until we get to take our hard-earned experience of filling out KENO forms and use it to vote for the next parliament of Australia. This musical tribute to the sexiest female PM in the land (see what I did there?) is a reminder of how much the Chaser boys have been missed from TV. After negotiate (knee-go-sea-ate), I think they have to help the PM with devotee (or dee-vhoh-ooo-teeea).

Inception

In order to match the mind-bending flurry of Christoper Nolan's Inception I tried to write a review in my sleep. Sadly this is all I managed to type into my computer:

f\

Which isn't really any less insightful or unprofessional than my usual reviews, so I'm sticking with it. I do like the way that my unconscious mind used the little loved \ key. But I'll leave you and Leonardo DiCaprio (regular reader, anonymous commenter), Ellen Page (she is very handy at asking questions to clear up any plot holes), Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy and the legendary Ken Watanabe to work out what the 'f' means (because I sure as hell don't know, I was asleep).

Just don't see this film in the IMAX it will make you sick.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Yawn

So far the Australian Election has been strange and largely uninteresting even for someone with a hard on for elected officials like me. But some inspiration comes in the form of the aptly named Anthony Weiner. Congressman Weiner is seen here arguing for a bill that delivers health care to 9/11 rescue workers who suffer continuing health problems.

"The Gentleman is correct in sitting!" has already become my answer from everything from meetings, to ordering in Zambrero. Mmm tacos.



Thanks Harry.

Burn

Watch this rad collaboration between Mojo and Coca Cola's new energy drink Burn. Shot in Mexico City by Garth Davis, it is epic, eye-sexy, has a cracking soundtrack and loads of flaming skating action (literally). For the other two films go to mojothings.

YouTube what did I do without you? Ripp'n and a tear'n

Tony Abbott has nothing on this guy.



Thanks Pete.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Real Action

Tony Abbott and his Coalition of the willing have decided to go Mad Men this election with the use of a jingle to break up Tony's close-talking to camera. The jingle isn't exactly Kraft's "Happy Little Vegemites" or even Sanitarium's "So Good". In fact the jingle sounds lifted from a Michael Bolton track last heard playing Saddam Hussein's summer palace in 1991.

Hang on, Jessica Fletcher! Something just hit me. Saddam Hussein, summer in Baghdad, people with mullets... Oh my forgiving god (forgiving as long as you don't believe in a woman's right to choose, climate change or board shorts), the coalition actually secretly love 'boat people' (and given property prices in this country I think these boat existing people are on to something).

I knew Julie Bishop had put poor Tony up to some crazy kinky shit, but this is surprising.

I just can't wait for the election to be over so the Coalition can go back to writing Sea Patrol starring Lisa's McKune.

Election 2010 Australia thinks about deciding - Moving Forward

Exit Through the Gift Shop

Many people ask if this film is real or just an elaborate hoax. I'd ask the same if I wasn't currently battling internet and iphone caused late-onset ADHD. All I know is this film is funny like balls (Bansky in-particular, what a genius) and if you don't leave it wanting to punch Mr. Brainwash right in the facehole I would be disappointed.

Word Pong

It's the nonsensiscal sensation that is sweeping, well me and one other person I know. Simply combine three unrelated things in a form of texted, emailed or spoken haiku and wait for the response. Point are awarded for originality of subject matter and combination and sheer vibe of the overall communication.

For example it could go:

"Abstract contractions, bombastic reactions, kippers made into a jam."

to which there could be the reply:

"Beard removal, a salad sandwich, double denim."

And so on and so forth:

"Stephen Segal, the age old battle of the sexes, The Man From Snowy River but set on the moon."

"Breaker Morant, talcum powder, the forms needed to receive medicinal marijuana."

"Japanese rice wine (in a simpler time before we called it saki), Jimmy Hendrix, binding documents solely for sexual favours."

"Murray's Murray River party cruise, le creuset, the pencil shavings of an already stubby (and extremely size-conscious) Ikea pencil."


"A reuben sandwich, Kevin Sorbo, a cream to reduce the irritation of the seven year itch."

Predators

I have thankfully missed out on all of the recent Alien vs Predator, Predator vs Predator and Predator vs Erkle films. In fact my sole knowledge of the Predator is Arnie fighting them on VHS. But when I heard that Robert Rodriguez had produced the film and it was staring art house muser Adrien Brody I thought it could be interesting, like maybe Brody falls in love with a Predator, only to have it break his heart, leave his con gang and cause him to go on an enchanted train journey across the indianesque subcontinent of the Predator home world. I thought he may even play the piano, while on the run from the space Nazis.

Sadly Hollywood again missed a trick, with none of the above taking place. What you get instead is a fairly intelligent genre film with an unnervingly gruff talking Brody. Perhaps it wasn't intentional, maybe he was just hungover the whole shoot? I know I would be.

Either way I would've given this film 5 stars if it had 100% more Arnie.

People of Prague: The family that smokes together

Animal Kingdom

What is it about Australia that we struggle to make a happy film? Is it all those years of living under the tyrannical rule of former PM John Howard's eye brows (everyone knows they were really control, they also had a tawdry affair with Bronwyn Bishop's hair helmet) or is it that all Australian film-makers suffer from the film equivalent of emotional eating?

Either way this is no Dude Where's My Car. It is however a good film, with a fair share of plot turns and cracking performances (Jackie Weaver's has a mind blowing gear change, while Guy Pearce's mustache almost steals the show).

I would give it 4 stars mainly for getting Air Supply's 'All Out of Love' stuck in my head.

YouTube what did I do without you? Double Rainbow

As fully grown human adults we recognise that many things can cause orgasm. In fact according to the wikipedia truth-site there are over 800,000 scientifically recognised causes, from ankle-binding to Zelda from The Legend of Zelda. But seemingly the best results come when the refraction of light in droplets of water in the atmosphere cause a rainbow (the birthplace of Rainbow Bright). But not just any rainbow a rainbow two-way (I'd like to one day have a twosome, people tell me it's good).

Watch below as the viewer of this rarefied optical and atmospheric naughtiness reacts accordingly.

Toy Story 3 3-D

Pixar can't seem to do anything wrong. In fact after seeing Toy Story 3 3-D and the accompanying short Day & Night it almost wouldn't matter - if Pixar decided to mate a baby seal and a baby panda only to sell the almost world-destroyingly cute offspring (they'd have to go to Japan of course to make this experiment possible) to Fox News solely to produce fur coats for Sarah Palin - as long as they keep making such well constructed, beautifully looking, hilarious and yet moving films like Toy Story 3.

I also expect Giant Baby to win best supporting actor at next year's Oscars.

The Cylons have overrun my digestive tract

The end of Lost

I have a recurring mental problem, some kind of character glitch or addiction where I have to watch the series finale of a show even if I've never watched it before. I just like when things end. This can be problematic at times (see last episode of All Saints), but it's just the way Gepetto and his little baby Jesus made me. So it is with great excitement that I welcome the end of Lost.

But so I know what the 'hey there's Jim from Neighbours doing a terrible American accent' is going on I watched Sara Bernincas's informative catch-up of the last 6 years of Lost. Watch it in all of it's Party of Five referential and Angelina Jolie box eating glory.

I just can't wait to find out what the hatch, the plane crash and that annoying little kid with the dog were all about. I also hope they explain in the finale how the co-host of 1990's Australian Gladiator ended up as a flight attendant.



Via The Vine and Defamer.

Drawing of a child - present for Chris

Just another day in Rio really. Good times.

Oh shit it's an ad - Nike

It's hard not to like an ad that has a massively aspirational idea, an epically well spent production budget and the directorial prowess of Amores Perros and Babel helmer Alejandro González Iñárritu.

That and the fact Nike not only pilaged their stable of soccer (there are already 3 too many footy codes for it to be called football in Australia) stars but also managed to throw in Kobe, R-Fed, Gael García Bernal and most importantly Homer in for good measure.

You've all probably already watched it three times, but if you've been hanging out in Dame Helen Mirren's ample lady-vagina, it's time to get balls deep and write the future below.

Robin Hood

Russel Crowe and Ridley Scott continue their deep and lasting bromance in tights with the 40,000th screen adaption of Robin Hood in this dimension alone (Stephen Hawkings is among many prominent figures to theorise that there is in fact at least one parallel universe populated solely with Robin Hoods).

While starting with promise Scott's film, like Crowe's frame, bloats ridiculously out of control to the point that not even Cate Blanchet can act her way out of the French's D-Day landing complete with WWII troop carriers or a cavalry of English child soldiers on Shetland ponies. But at least the Peterborough tourism board will have something to finally talk about, and for that I give it 3 stars.

People of Sydney: Potts Point market Lady

YouTube what did I do without you?

How could you possibly improve on Benny Hill? Have the Kim Jong Il spend his dying days engineering a prawn that can single-handedly (well prawn's have 10 limbs) bring down America and run on a tredmill to the Benny Hill music. The only failing with this plan is that Kim didn't mutate the prawn to have naturally-massive 70's-style tits to flash half way through the skit. Shame.



Thanks Fi

People of Sydney: Tassels

Learn to Act

Before I've offered you acting lesson's from James Franco. But this woman, Merilyn Hughes is a movie star. She has pathos, eye contact and great makeup. Be sure to also check out some of her friends who have also studied alongside her at the Sarantos Studios For Acting. They are all thespians (which must be why Merilyn wants to tack breasts to the bottom of her shoe) of the highest order. This is the drama school I should've gone to, then maybe I'd be starring as an almost convincing pool-boy #2 in a home made porno called 'Clean my Filter and my Fagina' right about now.

Merilyn Hughes – she is the Meryl Streep of You Tube


Jennifer Kane – can't stand it when she touches her, which probably explains why she walks to open-legged


Katherine Contreras - awkward


And then there's this dude

People of Sydney: Cleopatra

Art & Copy

A documentary about advertising runs the risk of being an industry version of soggy sao, and this one for a large part is. Often feeling like an infomercial for evangelical Christianity with long pondering shots of griddlocked freeway traffic in LA, sunbasked cityscapes and a gleaming rocket ripe for climax, all covered with industry 'facts and figures'.

But what is interesting and inspiring are the words of greats like Dan Wieden and David Kennedy, Hal Riney, Mary Wells, Cliff Freeman, Jim Durfee, Lee Clow and Liz Dolan the former head of marketing at Nike.

YouTube what did I do without you?

There is one thing most castings are missing it is sexy, sexy - species confused eagles.

People of Sydney: Gotta Dolla

The internet is a very special place - Dinosaur sexy times

For some things, people have a calling. A vocation that gives their life true meaning. And I think I may have finally found mine in The International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer's Association. A group of fine people who love dinosaurs, to well, love other dinosaurs.

Because if a Tyrannosaurus Rex can learn how to use its tiny arms' to grope a Dioplodocus, or a Quetzalcoatlus can learn to put a Triceratops' horns to good use, or a Stegosaurus can learn to enjoy being gangbanged by a pack of eager Velociraptor, then why can't we learn to open up our cold-cruel our hearts and let them?

It will all be fine as long as no one has to see Jeff Goldblum naked. Now that would be a step too far.

- Thanks Adrian.

YouTube what did I do without you?

Some things in this world just can't be explained. And in my experience a lot of them originate in Japan. I really have no words for this. Well actually I do. I have three. Japanese. Black. Face. So wrong. And yet so right.

Thanks Rain

Things with speech bubbles - Hot Lady Coach

Things with speech bubbles - Hon. Kevin Rudd PM

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: ET phone sexline

No one likes to be fiddled with after they've been knocked out telepathically. Especially by alien creatures from Uranus. So inventor and alien war expert Michael Menkin has developed a helmet that will protect you from aliens. And you can make it all by yourself. Doesn't Michael know I'm lazy, and would much rather order one over the internet?

His Velostat (a conductive packing material owned by the 3M post-it people) lined hats block all forms of alien telepathy so they aliens can't knock you out.

But does this stop them from abducting you? Don't they use teleportation - I've seen V and Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Which I guess means you get to remain completely lucid (thanks to the powers of Velostat) through the entire process of anal probing for their scientific research (I wonder if the Japanese whaling fleet have ever considered this in their research efforts?).

Some of the fun facts about aliens and their war on human-people like you and me - you guys aren't aliens right? - are so interesting. Like the excerpt below about alien-hybrid babies (Haven't aliens heard that the Toyota Prius has been recalled?):

"Vitamin C to kill implanted alien-hybrid embryos

One woman who now wears a thought screen helmet along with her husband reports that she killed four alien-hybrid fetuses in a row by taking a gram of vitamin C every hour for weeks. She used her alarm clock at night to awaken her. She reported that she could no longer feel the fetuses moving and the aliens were very angry at the deaths of the alien-hybrids they implanted in her. The aliens did remove a dead alien-hybrid fetus before implanting a live one at another time. This was before she started wearing a thought screen helmet.

These events confirm the findings of Professor David Jacobs who says in his book, The Threat, that the main purpose of alien abductions is to create a new race of alien-human hybrids who are now starting to inhabit the earth. Unfortunately these adult alien-human hybrids come in pairs and forcedly remove helmets from abductees. However, the thought screen helmet still works for people who are only abducted by the creators of these alien-human hybrids."

Wow oh wow. Check it all here stopabductions.com

Thanks Taimi

Watch this. Be happy.

Until the time that the Australian Government blocks all access of the transinternational informational superhighway, the net is not only mid 90's thriller starring Sandra Bullock (with all that Blindside money expect to see The Net 2.0) but also a place of magic and wonder. A happy place where dreams are made, learning is encouraged, and happy-endings are realised for teenage boys all the world over.

And to prove this thesis I provide you with an awe-inspiring little film about the art of Projectionisation. Enjoy.

Facts About Projection from Studiocanoe on Vimeo.

Thanks Jordan

Why the Japanese are super rad

From Bob Marley anthems blasting in high-end department stores as kimonoed old women delicately inspect supportive hosiery; to hot girls rock'n a LaToya Jackson - frizfro hair, leathers and all; to shoe zones, slipper zones, barefoot zones, toilet slipper zones (and all within the same room occasionally); to a whole generation of perfectly sane young men with permed hair; to uptight middle aged salarymen - human tetrised into metro carriages - intently reading hardcore hentai comics; I can't decide if the Japanese have an epically keen sense for the ironic, or if they are just all constantly whacked out on saki.

The Signs o' Japan 12

Even I'm stumped on this one. Perhaps, 'don't have a daughter with your mobile phone as she will only end up a disfigured hybrid who loves to be all emo and protest against shit?'

The Signs o' Japan 11

No matter their age, or attire, you should never, ever, ignore women masturbating on the subway - it will only upset them.

The Signs o' Japan 10

Never, ever, under any circumstance, look a ranga directly in the eyes. (Especially those with receding hairlines.)

The Signs o' Japan 9

Love is an emotion most safely enjoyed when you are seated side-saddle.