Thursday 23 April 2009

Monkey Face


Just ask long time campaigner Dolly Parton, monkey face is a crisis that is now reaching pandemic proportions. Every nine minutes somewhere on earth someone is given a monkey face. (Or in french: visage de singe. Which sounds much nicer than it actually is.) That's a lot of monkey faces. Way too many if you ask me.

Please help us as we aim to raise awareness and move to reduce the incidences of monkey face by half. That's a goal of half a monkey face every nine minutes (with I guess the other half having to wait a further nine minutes - that's some tantric shit).

It does stand to prove one thing though - the french language manages to make anything sound appealing - even monkey face.

Mary & Max


Not since Disney's Lady and the Tramp has an animated film been so moving (see human eye incontinence) and yet deal so effectively with the pitfalls of dog on dog romance. But Mary & Max, Adam Elliot's first full length feature is an achievement, with a great cast and strangely endearing clay visuals (although I always have been partial to play doh). You'll laugh, you'll cry and if you are anything like me you will drop your iPhone in a blackened theatre just after you've turned it on silent (awesome). I'm only giving it four stars mainly because I think the title should've been Max & Mary and not Mary & Max.

Sunday 19 April 2009

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: food exfoliation

Just when I thought that apex of American achievement had been reached with Dreamworks' Hotel for Dogs, along comes the Handy Peel. Never has the process that gives you the holiest of foods - mashed potatoes - been so disturbing. Although it is no where near as off-putting as the carrot sequence. Clasp that carrot. And now scrub rythymically.

The Handy Peel does however leave vegetables looking fresh, ten years younger and virtually pore-free. Yes that I will give them.

Saturday 18 April 2009

Conspiracy Theory: Meetings

Meetings are where creativity, productivity, sanity and the nativity all go to die. They are a massive waste of time. But is there something more sinister behind it all? Yes.

The meeting is a concept developed by a clandestine group of faceless chairmen in 1976 in order to distract the good people of earth. Why distract us? To guarantee that they would be able to halt the progress of technological, social and artistic development of the human race in order to ensure that we remain defenseless from the coming invasion of their giant space slug queen named Sally in the year 3001. It’s a lot to digest (both the concept and the entire human race, but Sally has 12 stomachs and 3 anuses). But we are all just pawns in a game set up by a group of expressionless computerised transvestites who worship a strangely named - morbidly obese - space slug, who has yet to discover a speedy way of coming to our planet in order to feast on our tasty entrails.

There is hope for mankind though. Stop wasting your precious time sitting in rooms talking in acronyms and instead devote yourselves to building slug repelling weapons and death rays. I for one am designing a rissole launcher. Sally will never know what hit her (minced meat).

Friday 10 April 2009

The Hotel of Doom


Fine Comrades,

I've always wanted to go to North Korea. Who wouldn't. They have substandard missiles, Kim Jong Il, dancing bears, have the world's only Steve Segal museum and, if that's not enough, everyone wears a uniform. But where do you stay in a country that has no HotelIbis?

The Ryugyong Hotel (Korean for “giant waste of substandard concrete”) of course. It stands 105 storeys tall. Looks like ThunderbirdOne. Was started in 1987 before being abandoned a long way off completion in 1992. Where it has been left dormant without interiors or general comforts like windows or electricity ever since. Although there are now plans to mount a mobile phone tower to the top of it (Telstra never misses a trick).

The Hotel of Doom, as some call it, is in fact so secret that the government airbrushes it from all photos of Pyongyang and have forbidden citizens from looking at it, talking about it, or too it. Much like Tom Cruise really.

It is basically the most giant pyramid shaped fuck-up in the history of pyramid shaped fuck-ups. And boy have there been a few. I don’t know about you but I am going to spend my Easter long weekend building a tribute to honour this fine building out of the lead-coated substandard Lego i picked up in China Town.

We should all give Kim Jong Il a break though, it is very time consuming having twins and triplets removed from their parents and sent away to a baby work camp. (His nightmare that twins will overthrow him is a whole other post.)

In the meantime learn more about the Hotel of Doom at the Wikipedia truth site here.

Sunday 5 April 2009

A Christmas Tale


A Christmas Tale (Un conte de Noël - French for longer than The Lord of the Rings) is the writing and directorial debut of the Marlboro Man. The film begins as splintered as the dysfunctional Vuillard's are, but becomes tighter and more enjoyable, as they all come together as a family for Christmas for the first time in many years. It is over three hours long and probably has to be as it deals with death, cancer, family, adultery, religion, mathematics, philosophy, depression, mental illness, why Catherine Deneuve is hotter than her own daughter and roast turkey. I did however find the 'my daughter is a packet of cigarettes' subplot a little forced. But I guess it is what the Marlboro Man knows.

While the cast is rad, Catherine Deneuve steals the show, and should've played all of the parts herself. But then again I have to say that or Rain will disown me.

Saturday 4 April 2009

It's a sign

Just when you think there is no hope for humanity - with all the fighting, global warming, global financial meltdowning and rampant zombie attacks - god sends us a sign, and lets us know that we should hang in there and have faith. It may be an apparition of the virgin Mary having tea with Buddha singed into your pop tart. Or in this case a sit down chat between two of my favourite people that I don't know - Dave Letterman and Jon Stewart. I guess you can stop stocking the quantum sleeper with tinned food for at least another week.

Enjoyify.

Part 1


Part 2