The Urban Dictionary

English is a funny flawed language. But the good thing about it is that it poaches from other languages (tidal waves become tsunamis - well not literally because that would be all kinds of toilet if a tidal wave and a tsunami combined forces ala Voltron) and allows for improvisation and reinvention. Which is why I like to take a break from reading about how to get arms like Michelle Obama and visit the urban dictionary (no caps as it's all urban and shit) to discover new words.

Some of my recent favourites:

Lesbro
1. A man who has more friendships with lesbians than other women or men.
2. A man who befriends lesbians with the intent to seduce them.

Steve is such a lesbro. He doesn't have a chance with those women.

Bromance
Describes the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males.

Nonversation
A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon. Typically occurs at parties, bars or other events where meaningful conversation is nearly impossible.

Cewebrity
An internet personality that has attained celebrity.

Social Notworking
The practice of spending time unproductively on social-networking websites, especially when one should be working.

Remote Dance
The movements you make with your hand when trying to get your tv to recognize your remote control.

Laundry Limbo
Intentionally rewashing clothing simply because you don't feel like putting it away.

Lol Theory

The theory that the internet phrase lol,meaning "laugh out loud", can be placed at any part in any sentence and make said sentence lose all credibilty and seriousness.

1. Doc: We need to operate on your colon lol, you have cancer.

2. Jesus: Take this all of you and eat it, it is my body, lol.

3. Man: Will you marry me? Lol.

I feel like we have all learned something. Now back to Michelle Obama's arms...

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: the quantum sleeper

You know a feeling I just never seem to get enough of? That - hey honey I’m trapped in a coffin and I’m not dead or a zombie - feeling. That feeling when there’s just a little too much air to breath? Not to mention (well I guess I’m about to) the seemingly endless nights I lay awake waiting for the coming of the reckoning or EoD (End of Days) as I like to call it. You know, when the baby Jesus returns from fighting Tom Cruise to reap showers of love in the form of total annihilation upon us all. Good times.

Well I needn’t worry any longer as here is a product that combines all of this with my love for naming products with two completely unrelated words. Introducing the Quantum Sleeper. It will save you from the pretty much everyone and everything but yourself. From floods to terrorists it has you covered, and all within the comforting glow of a TV and a microwave. Who wants breakfast burritos?

Forget about your sub-prime house that the bank has sold from under you for five dollars and the Sean William Scott DVD collection. Just invest in one of these beautifully apocalypse-proof bed bunkers. If it’s good enough for Newt Brown-pants Jnr and Mary-Beth Sweater-set then you can bet it’s good enough for me.

Fiscal Stimulus ABC style

I will post just about anything with a Chuck Norris reference, but a Chuck Norris and exercise infomercial reference, things like that deserve their own blog. The clever people at Working Dog and the ABC have put forward their argument for more funding for the ABC.

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: clean is happy

American's love Hulk Hogan. But there is one thing they love more and that's happiness. And over there happiness comes in many forms. Religious. Super-sized meal deals. Personalised gun racks. And, well, toilets. Meet the washlet. It has laser guided oscillating spot cleansing powers. It is the future of toilets. In fact it could even be from the future, so watch out John Connor.

If you want to know how it works, or be entertained by how many ways six out of work actors can talk about going to the toilet without actually ever talking about it, then this is a site for you. Just ask Beth W (the long suffering wife of Joe the Plumber) she loves it.

And remember clean is happy. And only Lucifer himself uses toilet paper.

An internship worth applying for

Dave Letterman is one of the all time greats and a hero of mine - mainly for his toupee work. But recently Letterman has been feeling the wrath and love (in equal parts) of Lyle the intern. As funny as Dave is, its his straight man act when with Lyle that cracks me up. Discover the disturbing wonders of Lyle below. And yes I finally learned how to embed a video. Next is embedding nanobots.

One question though, who is Jessica Tandy?

The land of the free and the money back guarantee: the executive muumuu

Straight from the land of the 99c taco and the 400lb eleven year old I bring you the Satiny Caftan Lounger (A muumuu is a muumuu by any name), “for around the clock comfort”. I'm not sure what's funnier: listing that it’s made of "100% lush pure polyester”, which is apparently “as soft as silk, and as smooth as satin" as a benefit, or that they recommend that you ware these “elegant garments while entertaining or even for that candlelight dinner for two."

You'd want to hope it was a candlelight meal, so that your significant other couldn't see the migraine inducing prints on offer, like "Seashore," "Daydream Pink" and my personal favourite for it’s sexy-time inducing name, "Wonderland." I'd also recommend that you don’t get too close to those candles as that lush 100% polyester would ignite in a flash. But what's the risk of having polyester burnt into your torso, when you can look as good and feel as comfortable as the spokes-models? Which is both creepy and a boon, that they managed to find triplet mid-western mums to showcase the range.

So if you’re stuck for the perfect Christmas gift for anyone of any age from sizes 8 – 24 (really big fatties need not apply) male, female or other wise, then go with the product that is so simple you can just “slip one over your head.” They’re also perfect for the heat of summer and the beach, as such “high quality imported” polyester neither breathes, or wicks sweat away from your chaffed thighs. They would hide your cankles and gunt however.

And all for the bargain basement price of just $39.95 + postage and handling. But wait, as always, there is more, oh yes, if you buy three or more you can get them at the shocking price of $29.95. Yes! Shocking! So shocking I nearly vom-vomed up everything I had emotionally eaten this morning. I just have so many feelings.

May Xenu bless America.

The Reader

Tales of first love have always been fodder for movies, from 21 Candles, to The Little Mermaid and Milo & Otis (a film I vomited in when I saw it as a child), to The Notebook. But Stephen Daldry's The Reader is a film about first love that throws a few new elements into the mix, namely Nazis and pedophilia (with not a goblet of Jesus juice or a ranch with a theme park in site). David Cross nearly steals the show, with a stern and button-downed Winslet very deserving of the Oscar. Who ever did her old lady make-up (read as grey face-paint applied by a vengeful monkey) should be made to watch the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

But The Reader does however prove two things, one: both Milo & Otis and The Notebook would've been far more interesting if they had featured stern Nazi ladies, and two: reading is a great aphrodisiac.